Talking Heads
by dorian dark
Summary: Click here for fluffy, crazed dialogue fics. CHAPTER 14 In which Remus gets his proverbial knickers in a twist, Sirius plaits his own fringe, and the merits of reading are discussed.
1. If I Didn't Know Better

Alright? Some of you may have read this all before…if so, skip kindly on to 'If It's All The Same To You', the only thing that hasn't been posted on ff. net before. However, for those of you who are new – welcome, friend! Looking for faintly amusing, Marauder-era dialogue fics? You've come to the right place…comes with a hefty dose of RLSB implied slash, sarcastic!Remus, emotionally unstable!Sirius and an OC who is disposed of with almost indecent haste. Enjoy, and remember, I love feedback, of any sort. Well, technically, that's a lie, who enjoys flames? But ya get the gist. I'll shut up now and get on with it…

Disclaimer: not mine. I'm not saying it again, take it for granted it applies to the rest of this fic.

* * *

"Moony?"

"I'm reading."

"Don't you _want _to talk to me?"

"…"

"Moo-oony…"

"Padfoot…this book contains…eight hundred and forty three pages, only three hundred and two of which I have read."

"And?"

"…it's a book about Transfiguration. A subject _you _are failing, and a subject I need very badly to do well in. _And _a subject taught by possibly the scariest woman on the planet."

"Yeah, but…"

"Sirius, can you not go and bother James? Or Severus? I'm even prepared to let you hex an innocent pupil until you're blue in the face if you'll leave me be."

"So you _don't _want to talk?"

"No, Padfoot I bloody don't! What was wrong with at the meal table this evening? Or in Herbology? Sheesh, Pads, just because you can afford to loll about on your ass looking smooth doesn't mean we _all_ have that luxury."

"…"

"Sirius…"

"What! You can't go all angry on me just 'cause I'm sitting here…I'm not disturbing you."

"Yes, you _are._ You are the most disturbing person I know. Hell, noone else can make me want to strangle them just because they're breathing."

"…you know, that could almost be hurtful…"

"Go and lick your wounds down by the lake, then. I still have four hundred-odd pages to go."

"You know, Moony…sometimes I wish I were a girl."

"Oh, _Merlin…_Sirius, I really cannot be doing with a huge psychological debate now of all times. Wake me up tomorrow and we can have a chat about gender-confusion, okay?"

"…"

"You're doing it again. The staring. Don't think it's bloody endearing. I can assure you it is _not."_

"So my problems are less important to you than… 'Developments in Cross-species Transfiguration During the Nineteenth Century', then?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's nice, isn't it? Gods, Moony…"

"Pads…I don't mean it like that. Seventeen year old boys have had deep, angsty thoughts since the dawn of time…and no doubt our great great grandchildren will be having them too. Where_as…_Gabriel Cox-Barnaby's study on aquatic transfiguration was a singular, and quite remarkable event. Can it not wait?"

"…"

"…"

"You see, if I were a girl, we'd _talk _about our problems, rather than squashing them. You know, how we pat each other on the back and talk about girls in really chauvinistic, macho way."

"Sirius, we don't have problems."

"Ha!"

"But we _don't_. Okay, so I'm not your prime example of a normal, cheerful teenage boy…but we get along. You make it sound like there's all this tension going on or something. I mean, we have got exams coming up…"

"…"

"What? We _don't _have problems. Look at Marcia Allan in Ravenclaw…mum dead of cancer, dad an alcoholic. You listen to too much love music, Padfoot."

"That's rich, coming from you."

"What's that meant to mean?"

"All that fucking Shakespeare and Keats and whatever…_and _you listen to Chopin."

"It's not a crime, you know."

"Yeah, but you've _changed."_

"It's called puberty, Sirius, get over it."

"Remus, you can be such a little wanker when you want to be."

"Well, _you_ disturbed my studying."

"Is it so bad to want to talk to my best friend?"

"When you've had all day to bug me about your hopes and fears – yes."

"Fine."

"Fine. Can I read now?"

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Yeah, but Moony…you're not the same any more."

"Gods. You can't just say something like that and not justify it."

"You _know _what I mean."

"No, I don't. Do I look like I can read minds?"

"You can be so dense, you know."

"Well so can _you. _I can't say it any plainer: fuck off."

"See, that's always it, isn't it? Always the same…"

"I think you could probably count the number of times I've sworn at you on the fingers of one hand, actually, Sirius."

"Yeah, but you _think _it. If it's not about _Julia, _you don't want to know."

"Oh, I _see._ Why didn't you just come straight out and say it?"

"Say what?"

"That you want to dig up this old argument and give it a few prods to see if it's still living."

"Don't pretend it's not an issue."

"It sure as hell isn't your issue."

"Who says? When I can't even talk to my best friend because…"

"I was never your best friend, Sirius Black, so stop talking shit."

"You don't know anything."

"Excuse me?"

"Dammit, Remus!"

"Will you shut up? We're in a library…"

"Do I look like I'm bothered? You and bloody James, talking and whispering about Lily and Julia, looking at me as though I'm sort of _leper_ because I don't send girls roses or think of ways to pledge my true, undying love."

"It's…not like that."

"Yeah, well…try being me at the moment."

"Oh for gods' sake! Could you be any more melodramatic?"

"Moony. For once in my life I'm trying, I'm actually trying to express my feelings…instead of just hiding behind pranks and jokes and insults and stuff. I thought _you'd _understand…you're all into the whole emotion thing."

"Fine. Whatever. Go on…tell me you're in love with Julia and then go away and annoy the house-elves because this chapter's really relevant to my essay."

"Yeah. Fine. I bloody will…what?"

"It's about problems with gender when Transfiguring jellyfish."

"Do you think I give a toss! No, I meant about…what you said…"

"Huh? Oh…well, come on, Sirius, it's so obvious. You're always throwing killer glares at us when we're together. I must say…with the amount of girls you get through, I thought you'd at least stay away from my girlfriend."

"…"

"What? I'm not _mad _at you, Pads. I just know that if I don't tell you…I'll turn around one day and you'll have your tongue down her throat."

"Is that how much you trust Julia? And me?"

"Well…you haven't really been the most trustworthy of friends, have you?"

"Moony…I thought we weren't going to mention that again…I _told _you…that was stupid of me. I'm not like that any more."

"Oh yeah? What are you like? And if _you've _changed, then how come I can't?"

"Because…I don't know…because I don't ever see you any more."

"…"

"You know it's true. You're always with Julia or James, all cosy and romantic…I thought I had a hand in getting you and Julia together anyway…"

"You _did_. See, you're a great mate, Pads. Good of you to swallow your love for her and let me get the girl for once. I do owe you one, you know. I don't forget."

"Oh Merlin…I _don't…_I…so how come you don't talk to _me _about her? How come Prongs gets all the secrets all of a sudden?"

"Because…because he knows girls aren't just about tits and legs."

"What the…? This is _James _we're talking about!"

"Yes, and if you took the time to talk to him, instead of grumbling under your breath about how he's always off with Lily, you might just notice _he's _changed, too. If you want to hang back in the days of imagining what Laura Richards' cup size is, _fine, _but you're on your own, mate."

"…"

"Man, the amount you go on about James…if I didn't know better, I'd say you were in love with him, too. We've been together six and a half years. Dynamics shift. We're still all best friends, aren't we?"

"You don't know _anything, _Remus Lupin."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. I don't love Julia, scrawny little mouse that she is, and I sure as hell don't love James Potter."

"Good. That's…good. I can't deal with sexual tension. _Now _will you please, for the love of all things holy, let me read?"

"Sexual tension? You wouldn't know sexual tension if it _sat _on you."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Sirius. Just tell me what the hell you're on about and then _go away_."

"…"

"I'm waiting…"

"…I love _you, _you stupid twat, though I haven't a clue _why_, when you make me so bloody angry all the time. I shoot killer stares at you and Julia because I like to picture her at the bottom of the lake. And I hate James because he's closer to you than I ever was. Now go on and keep reading about your blessed jellyfish. _Gods."_

"…Oh."

* * *

AN: mwahahaha clueless Remus…nehoo…hit that little purple button and then keep on moving to the next instalment, which features a rather shell-shocked Moony and a rather sticky end to the hapless Julia. dd xx 


	2. Correct Me If I'm Wrong

AN: More, more, more…all for you, you lucky devils! Hmph…man, do I sound big-headed! Really…I hope you enjoy this… dd xxx

* * *

"…I love _you, _you stupid twat, though I haven't a clue _why_, when you make me so bloody angry all the time. I shoot killer stares at you and Julia because I like to picture her at the bottom of the lake. And I hate James because he's closer to you than I ever was. Now go on and keep reading about your blessed jellyfish. _Gods."_

"…Oh."

"…"

"…"

"Well?"

" Well what?"

"Well, aren't you going to say something?"

"…I…what do you want me to say?"

"_Moony!"_

"Well, I'm _sorry! _I'm not used to having my _male best friends _declaring undying love, if I'm perfectly honest with you."

"Man, I really don't know why I bother at times."

"I'm sorry?"

"Gods, Moony, even _you_ must have some sort of emotions…I mean, I know I'm not exactly TS Eliot when it comes to bullshitting about feelings and such like…but I wasn't fooling with you, mate. I…I wouldn't do that…I…"

"You know, it's mildly amusing to see you so uncomfortable…"

"Oh for fuck's sake stop being such a prick!"

"Whatever…really, what d'you want me to say? 'Oh yes, Sirius, I've been in love with you since third year, please can you help me clear these books off the table so I can ravish you unrestrainedly right now'?"

"…well…I mean, not…you wouldn't say something like that…but…yeah, something like that, I guess…"

"I give up. You are incorrigible."

"Come again?"

"What I meant _was…_that's just you all over, isn't it? All those poor girls. They never stand a chance. Does it ever cross your mind, Sirius Black, that there might be a living, breathing organism on this planet who can exist without the thought of receiving sexual pleasures from yourself? _Strewth." _

"Ha! See, that's why I love you, Moony."

"Huh? What? Because I can make incisive, sarcastic witticisms while simultaneously drawing a scale diagram of an example of Hunt's Third Law of Cross-Species Transfiguration? I'm flattered you _finally_ appreciate my intellect."

"No, no…because you really _know _me…"

"Oh ye gods…you've been listening to Simon and Garfunkel again, haven't you?"

"…you know, just because I piss around a bit in class and stuff, doesn't mean you have the right to laugh at me all the time. I'm being…I'm talking in all sincerity here, so I'll thank _you, _Remus Lupin, not to mock me."

"…"

"I'm not even joking."

"Okay, okay…so I really _know _you…that's not grounds enough for you to love me. The _toilets on the fourth floor_ really know you, you've scrubbed them often enough in detention."

"Think you're so bloody funny, do you?…what I want to say…see, I can't talk to you about things like this because I don't have fancy words and similes and lyrical iambic pentameters and shit to throw at you…"

"Made enough of an effort to disturb my homework, though, didn't you?"

"I didn't think you'd be such a wanker about the whole thing, actually. Will you close that bloody book and _listen _to me, for once! I _was _right, you have changed, ever since you and that little – "

"Don't, just don't even drag Julia into this. You didn't even _know _her before I went out with her…oh, you want too much!" (AN: argh, a complimentary bit of 'The Great Gatsby' for you there…apologies for that)

"Huh?"

"Sirius…Pads, I've known you nearly half my life. In a way…yes, I suppose you're right. I _do _know you. Which is how I know that you walked in this library with the full intention of walking out again with me enrolled as your personal love slave. Correct me if I'm wrong."

"Are you kidding me? Is that all you think of me!"

"It's true though, isn't it? I bet, because I've seen you doing it before, I bet you never even considered for a moment…that I might not want…to be with you…"

"So you don't…ever…oh fuck. I'm sorry, Moony. You're right, of course you're right…when are you not? Man…what have I done? I…I wouldn't have broken this…friendship for the world. Oh…I'm sorry…"

"Sirius…please. Look at me. _Please_. I…I really can't…I…how can I say anything to you? You…our friendship…what can I do? I just…believe me, I would rather die than hurt you. It's just…the whole thing with, uh, Julia…what are you asking of me? I never…you know I won't ever match up to what you want from me, Sirius. I never do…"

"Now look who's been listening to Muggle sob music…jeez, Remus, I'm not asking for a single thing. I didn't even mean to tell you…like that. Ha, how typical. I always fuck things up when it comes to you."

"I…really, Pads. I don't know."

"_What _don't you know? What to say? How to let me down gently? How to break up with Julia? How to finish your blessed essay?"

"_Sirius._ You throw something…like _that_ at me, and expect me just to come out and tell you how much I love you back…look at me, dammit! I'm seventeen years old, I'm drowning in a river of hormones, I turn into a cannibalistic monster once a month, I'm just on the wrong side of cool…I'm the one lurking in the shadows of greater people…why, why, Padfoot, would you think I had the courage to…"

"…"

"I…"

"Please, Remus…"

"Who am I…what am I to untangle my mind and make sense of it?"

"Moony…I…can't it go back to how it was before?"

"What?"

"Can't you just pick up your book and study and whatever…and I'll just watch you, okay? If I'd known…I would have gone my life just watching you…risks, stupid risks…"

"You know, Pads? …that was almost poetic."

"Pathetic, isn't it? I'd change…I'd change my entire self to be the man for you."

"…"

"What? Can't a man bare his soul any more these days?"

"I've just realised…I hate how you're always right."

"What the…?"

"Just…all those assumptions. How I'd just…I dunno…leap into your arms and pledge myself to only you…"

"I never said that!"

"Whatever. You thought it."

"…"

"I hate how you're always right."

"I…are you…d'you…uh…what?"

"Sirius, I have to finish this essay by tomorrow."

"I…Moony…"

"Hm?"

"Gods…I mean…do _you _mean…?"

"Pads, go up to the dorm like a good lad and listen to Elvis for a bit. I've just got one more paragraph to write. I'll be up shortish. K?"

"Erm…ok-ay…"

"…"

"…erm, Remus?"

"Yep?"

"What about Julia?"

"I…you know, I like to live by the maxim 'I'll cross that bridge when I come to it'…works wonders, I've found."

"Oh. Good."

"And anyway…she quotes Shakespeare at me _all_ the time. How weird can you get?"

"Er…yeah…definitely."

* * *

AN: argh! The ending is far from snappy…so I hope I haven't disappointed my reviewers. If so, apologies. Nehoo…hope you enjoyed this small snippet of life in the Hogwarts library. It's a sad state of affairs in my school library, noone's ever come up to me and proposed marriage while I was reading 'Years of Nationalism'. Ah well, the day may still come… dd xx 


	3. This May Be A Stupid Question

AN: evening, folks! Back for more? Only too happy to oblige…in which Sirius is naked, Moony is reading…and there is a marked absence of sappy, romantic idealism. Because, c'mon, Sirius would _so _find penis-humour funny… dd xxx

* * *

"Yo."

"Er…hi, Pads."

"Finish that essay?"

"Jawohl." (AN: my mates and I talk German to each other all the time…I guess my sister's right, I am making Remus into myself)

"Um…good. Good job, mate."

"Did you see my copy of 'Lolita' lying about the place?"

"Me? Er…na, don't think so…"

"…"

"…"

"…Sirius?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Uh…this may be a stupid question…er, yeah…Pads, is there any reason why you're _naked?"_

"Ah. You noticed, then."

"…What! Hard to miss, you know, mate."

"Hehe…I aim to please!"

"You know…that was _almost _as bad as that insufferable smug grin you get on your face when someone says 'Are you _serious?'_ and I just _know _what's going to come out of your stupid mouth…"

"Don't you find it endearing?"

"You want the short answer or the long answer?"

"Well, _I _think it's funny."

"Yeah, well you live in your own little doggy world where jokes about penises are funny."

"They _are."_

"Sheesh…"

"Don't be such a prude, Moons."

"Hmm…I might resent that if I could be arsed…anyway, you didn't answer my question."

"Which?"

"Goldfish memory…about the gratuitous nudity…you…sitting on your bed…not wearing anything…savvy?"

"I get you, dude."

"Has the definition of rational behaviour changed since I last checked? It's _February_, Sirius. You'll…ahem…get frostbite."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

"Living dangerously, eh, Pads?"

"Uh-huh."

"So…why, exactly? I admit you've successfully aroused my curiosity _and if you dare make an innuendo out of that I will kill you_."

"All for you, Moony…it's all for you."

"Erm…"

"No like?"

"Well…Sirius…call me dense, but…have I missed something?"

"…but, I thought…you _know, _in the library…you know, when we talked, like…"

"Ye-es…I still feel I may somehow have missed a vital bit of conversation…um…"

"Remus…I distinctly remember you saying 'Go to the dorm, I'll be there in a minute'."

"Maybe…yes, it's all coming back to me now…but I _don't _remember saying '…where you have my full permission to fuck me senseless.' Mind you, I could be wrong, it _has _happened."

"You're doing it _again_."

"Don't be petulant, it doesn't go with the leather-clad rock god look."

"_See?"_

"No, I really _have _missed something. What in the name of Butterbeer are you on about?"

"All that sarcastic shit you pull these days."

"Gods. Not _this _again. Will you get over the whole 'Moony, you've changed, I barely know you' crap already?"

"Well, it's true."

"…man, I thought we were good."

"Yeah, well, me too…thought we'd, like, reached some sort of consensus…which is why, y'know…with the whole nakedness thing."

"What the fuck? Yeah…okay, so I may have implied that…okay, I might have, like, admitted that I love you…but…I _still _don't understand how that naturally progresses to you sitting on a bed unabashedly flaunting…erm…flaunting…"

"Go on, say it, you know you want to…"

"I do not. I am not twelve."

"You do, you do want to!"

"Oh, fuck off."

"Hahaha…"

"Al_right_. The things I do for you…flaunting your _magic wand_, happy now?"

"Man, I crack myself up sometimes…what was the question again?"

"The eternal question…why are you naked?"

"Ah, yes…one of the difficult ones." (AN: I swear this is a line from a Discworld novel, but my sluggish mind can't remember which one. Thanks anyway, Terry)

"Sirius…I …you're being so flippant…I, just…I'm _sorry_ if you think I'm being sarcastic and difficult. It's just, I mean…what am I going to do? It's not like I'm used to…this sort of situation…"

"Um…"

"Please, Pads. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I just…I don't know what I meant in the library."

"What?"

"No, no…I meant…something, _something _close to what you meant…but, y'know, an hour ago I had a girlfriend, I was straight as a pole…and _then_…"

"Hmph. You finish it with Julia, then?"

"Yup."

"What did you say?"

"I told her…I said someone made me an offer I couldn't refuse."

"Ha! Good one, Remus."

"Why, thank you."

"But _still._ I just…do you not get the feeling this has been dragging on quite a long time?"

"Pads…same old Padfoot, so, so impatient. You only came and disturbed me two hours ago."

"Oh."

"Sirius…"

"I guess…I guess it just seems like a long time…I mean, yeah…you're right. You didn't know…about _you know_ until I told you. So, like…it's been longer…and stuff."

"Pads?"

"Yep?"

"You know in fourth year when I asked you why Prongs kept on messing up his hair every time Evans went past?"

"Erm…is this going somewhere…? Yeah, yeah I remember."

"And you laughed like a hyena and said 'Gods, Moony, you're so thick!'?"

"Indeed. I remember it well."

"We-ell…you may have had a point…"

"This is another one of those cryptic elusive Mr. Remus things, isn't it?"

"A bit."

"You know…it wouldn't hurt to just…I dunno, _say_ things every now and then…"

"…"

"Moony?"

"Gods, Sirius…you think this is _easy _for me! _You_, you twat, you have like this…aura or something…some impervious shield that everything the world chucks at you just bounces off…I'm sorry…I can't just…spill my emotions like that…"

"Are you kidding?"

"About what?"

"Remus Lupin, I've been working up to…telling you…for two and a half years. I was waiting for you to…teach me how to get the emotion thing just right. _Gods…_"

"Ah. I see. Erm…sorry about that, then."

"Fine. I give up."

"…"

"…"

"…I …hearing…what you said to me in the library…I …it was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half in shadow…" (AN: erm…so shoot me, Remus likes Tennessee Williams)

"…"

"I suppose…I'm just not very good at…working out what I want. And…yes…this evening. I guess my eyes have been opened. I just need…time…always time, to become accustomed to…this…oh, fuck it, I love you like…like ripples on water…snow on black trees…kittens, chamomile tea…stuff like that…and I need someone, I need _you _to make me see how _stupid _I've been in hiding blind…gods, I've been pretending so long I can't even remember when it began…"

"Moony?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Why are your eyes shut?"

"Uh…because of Dusty Springfield…"

"Come again?"

" 'I close my eyes, and count to ten…and when I open them, you're still there'…I … I just want to believe love songs might have a shred of truth in them…"

"You know what?"

"What? If this is a magic wand joke, I swear I won't be accountable for my actions."

"No, no…no fears, Moony. I just…I don't have a flippant comment to make. I just wanted you to know…no matter how long you count…when you open your eyes…I'll be there. You know that, right?"

"Gods. Pass the sick bucket."

"Hmph."

"Sorry."

"You will be…come here…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Erm…Moony?"

"Ja?"

"I found your book…"

"Ah, good."

"It was digging into my spine."

"Nice."

"Hey…come back here! Re_mus!_ You cannot be _serious_! You're actually going to _read!_ Is this some sort of a _joke!_"

"…"

"Bloody. Hell. I'm going to get my clothes back on."

"You do that, Pads."

* * *

AN: thank you, thank you, I'm here all week…hope you enjoyed, I tell thee these are far more enjoyable to write than angsty death-and-doom fics involving dear Remus. Hmm, indeed. Drop us a line if you liked, and would like more verbal interaction between these star-crossed lovers. Much love dd xxx 


	4. If It's All The Same To You

AN: Well, you finally got your wish, mates…all wrapped up in one fic, snippets of dialogue between that most wonderful of canine Marauders…uh-huh, it's the Moony & Padfoot show. I believe the term is…squee? Am I right? Yay! Nehoo…moving on, Sirius is both pissed off at being forsaken for a tatty copy of 'Lolita', but also dying to tell the whole school about his quasi-success in wooing the long-suffering Remus. Ya gotta love them…dd xxx

PS this is the first instalment that I didn't previously post here…so now you know.

* * *

"Mphfrwgl…"

"…"

"Pads?"

"Mm?"

"Any particular reason you felt the need to kiss me noisily and wetly on the cheek?"

"Heh. You're my _boyfwend_."

"Feck off."

"Well, that's just _great_. I just wanted to wake you up…"

"Er…_why, _exactly? I was quite happy dreaming peacefully…"

"What about?"

"What d'you think? You making passionate love to me behind the tapestries on the third floor, of _course."_

"Really?"

"No."

"Dude, I'm sorry…okay? I won't wake you up again, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah…just feels a bit…odd, y'know, to be…like, _violated_ in my sleep."

"But you were awake!"

"You didn't _know _that. You, you sly beast…good thing I woke up when I did, I say…"

"Yeah, well…you owed me a kiss or two anyway."

"How the _hell _do you work _that _one out, Black? I swear, I sometimes think you have interchangeable brains in parallel universes…"

"Hmph. _You _skanked me yesterday." (AN: I don't know if this is an exclusively West Midlands piece of slang. If it _is, _to skank someone means to leave or abandon someone. So now you know.)

"What the _fuck_?"

"You went and bloody _read_, like, right in the middle…I mean…talk about killing the mood."

"Sorry, then. It's a good book, y'know. You should read it sometime."

"Gods. Moons, I'm a _teenage boy_, why in hell would I want to _read? _I can think of a hundred things I'd rather do."

"Man…I _knew _this would be the case…"

"And what, pray, do you mean by _that_?"

"You know…man, call me a hapless romantic, but I swear there's a whole thing called _mutual respect_ which is central to most relationships."

"Oh, _right_. You think I don't _respect _you."

"Sirius…mate, don't look like that, you know I didn't…man, all I meant was I like to read every now and then…"

"But the _moment_ we…like, properly got together and whatever. Gods, sometimes I don't think we _have _a relationship."

"…"

"Have you gone back to sleep?"

"No…"

"…"

"…I was just wondering what you're bullshitting about now."

"I just…"

"Pads?"

"…"

"Sirius, please…I …_I'm _the one who cries, remember? Think, all those full moons…it's _me _who cries…Pads, _don't…_"

"I'm…sorry…man, look at me, what a mess…"

"C'mere…"

"…"

"…"

"I like being like this…just, y'know…lying next to you, like…like the world can go to hell and leave us behind…y'know…"

"I know…love, I …"

"Yeah, yeah…I can't help it, I seem to be…like my feelings…some sort of crazed yoyo…see, I'd burn that wretched book, 'cause y'know, it drags you away from me…"

"Pads."

"Yeah, I _know_ it's stupid…"

"You realise you're jealous of a _book_, here, right?"

"Don't make me feel even worse about myself…d'you have _any _idea how hard it's been for me to just…watch you talking to Prongs and stuff, and, like, oh _gods_ with Julia…I never…I didn't think I had it in me to _hate_ someone…guess I really am a Black at heart."

"Sirius. Ssh."

"Yeah."

"I just…please…don't doubt me…you have to believe the little things…I _can't _say…exactly what I mean…I just…_know_ that this is…the right thing to do, at this moment in time."

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"So…"

"Man…you've got that _look_ in your eyes again…"

"Which one? The 'Moony I've got a broomstick in my cupboard and I'm not afraid to use it' one?"

"…"

"What!"

"That was so bad it was almost funny."

"Heh."

"Nope…what I _actually _meant was…you seem to be plotting something that I'm really _not _going to like."

"Bullseye, Mr. Lupin."

"Do your worst, then…what'll it be? Skinny-dipping with the Giant Squid? His 'n' his crocheted cardigans? Karaoke duets?"

"Hmph. I don't understand how you can be so bloody sarky at nine in the morning, really I don't."

"Such is life, Mr. Black. And _anyway_, I might be slightly _less _tetchy if you would repress your overwhelming sexual urges and _leave me be_ in the mornings."

"Yeah…whatever…anyway…do you wanna tell Prongs and Wormtail, or shall I?"

"Ex-ex_cuse_ me? Are you fucking _joking?"_

"I feel an obligatory 'serious' pun coming on, I'm afraid."

"Don't _even_."

"But really, Moons…you can't expect me to lie to my best friend and soulmate."

"Great. I _knew _you loved Prongs really. Spurned after one solitary night of passion."

"Yeah, _well_, I could have done something about that…couldn't I, if you hadn't gone and -"

"Yes, yes I _know…_"

"Whatever, moving on…you really want to…like, _hide_ away from Prongs and stuff?"

"Well…yeah, in actual fact. I mean, d'you not think he might have a…slightly strong opinion about it?"

"I…argh, c'mon, man, let's go to breakfast."

"Is this your solution to any argument… 'let's eat'?"

"…pretty much, yeah."

"…nice. Okay, gehen wir los?"

"Let me just get my boxers on..."

"..You're kidding, right?"

"_What!_"

"You…crawled onto my bed, at some _ungodly _hour, with _no clothes on. Again._"

"Got it in one."

"…words fail me. They really do."

"Well…I thought you'd noticed."

"I have _now, _haven't I?"

"Yeah, well…"

"And what, pray, would you have done if _James _had strutted in…you lying on top of an exhausted teenage werewolf…as naked as the day you were born."

"Bet he'd have had a _cow._"

"Gods…c'mon, raus, raus, up you get…I'm giving you thirty seconds before I go without you. There's always peach yoghurt on a Wednesday."

"Okay, ok_ay_. Don't get your knickers in a twist."

"Less of the lip, Mr. Black. It's _me _who's the victim here."

"…"

"…"

"…can you pass me my socks, please?"

"Which ones, dare I ask?"

"The ones with… 'God's gift to womankind' written on them."

"Oh, the _irony._"

"Dontcha just _love _it?"

"So you won't be…ahem… _coming out_ today, then?"

"Oh, yes. I'm just waiting for the opportune moment to snog you breathless in front of the entire school."

"I'd rather you _didn't_, if it's all the same to you…"

"How about in double Potions, relieve the monotony a bit?"

"I'm _warning _you, Sirius Black…don't even _think_ it."

"Trust me, I could think of far worse things…"

"I don't doubt it. And I don't appreciate that lecherous eyebrow-waggling, thank you very much. Come on, let's get going."

"Right y'are."

"…"

"…"

"…Pads…what the fuck are you doing now?"

"Holding your hand."

"Oh my good lord…"

"No likey?"

"Sirius…Sirius. There is no way in hell we're going to get through the portrait hole in one piece with you frogmarching me around like that."

"Well, sorr-y."

"Listen…and it's gonna be even _more _difficult if you put your arm around my shoulder, isn't it, you wanker?"

"Hmph."

"Dude…yesterday we managed just _fine _without you throttling me in a misguided gesture of public affection. Can we just…just walk side by side, please?"

"Anything to please my Moony."

"I _mean _it. Don't even…I don't want to have my ass pinched _once _on the way down to the Hall, okay?"

"Whatever you say…"

* * *

AN: Okay…this got a bit too long…so the next installment will be breakfast itself. Hope you enjoyed…and come back soon for more! Love especially to my lovely twin sisters, who are a bit sappy and don't like me to write angsty depressing fics because they make them cry. Bless… dd xx 


	5. You Really Don't Want To Know

AN: so, hi to all! I'm sure there are more productive things I could be doing right now…but no, I prefer to write about the pinnacle of Hogwarts manhood and his faithful, albeit rather tired and cranky consort walking down to breakfast. Pity Sirius can't keep his hands to himself…enjoy dd xxx

"_Sirius Black!"_

"What?"

"Don't look all innocent like that! I thought I told you not to pinch my ass!"

"Yeah…but who died and made _you _king?"

"Huh! Evidently I was labouring under the unfortunate delusion that I am now your lord and master."

"Oh, _that._"

"Ha! Am I old news _already_?"

"You never meant anything to me…na, c'mere, I love you too much for my own good…"

"…_Sirius!_"

"Stop squeaking and kiss me, ya great poof."

"You _do _know every single Slytherin in the school uses this corridor on the way to the Great Hall, right?"

"Exactly."

"That's cruel. I have no wish to become…I dunno, a figure of ridicule for Snape's acid tongue, to be honest."

"Hmph. Don't you _want _to make them jealous?"

"Er…what?"

"Moony, you really aren't very grateful, are you? I mean, if you were a female third year, how far would you go to seduce me?"

"Ex_cuse _me?"

"Well…wouldn't you kill for the chance for one day of undivided, lavish Black attention?"

"Man…yeah…I'd do Regulus any day…" (AN: y'know…I have a germ of an idea here. Watch this space)

"Argh. Stop being contrary."

"Well…seeing as I'm neither female, nor a third year, I couldn't possibly comment."

"Yeah…well…anyway…I'd love to see Snivellus' greasy little face if he saw us getting it on right here in the corridor."

"In all honesty, I think I could very easily live without that privilege."

"Well, suit yourself. Kiss me anyway, if only for the hell of it."

"Listen to me, you little shit. I, unlike your fair self, do _not _have confidence oozing out of my ears. Neither do I have enough street cred to sufficiently protect me from the fallout…of this…"

"Ha! You're _ashamed?"_

"…"

"You _are!"_

"I am _not._ I just need…to get used to the idea, okay? I wouldn't be happy if someone saw me kissing a girl in public…and it's no different with you, Pads. More so, in fact…seeing as you have a tendency to put your hands in rather…uncomfortable places."

"Yeah…well, it never stopped you with that Julia, _did it?"_

"Padfoot, that was _one _time, and if you _will _go bursting into classrooms like that…and anyway, look who's talking…"

"Okay, okay…point taken. Now then…about this kiss…"

"Would it hurt you to listen to me for _one _moment in your wretched life! I tell you, I promise you I will kiss you at some point today…if I have no homework, if there's no one else in the dorm, and if you take your own notes in History of Magic. But _not now._ Okay?"

"Hmph. Spoilsport."

"C'mon, man. Let's go get some nourishment."

"Sounds like a plan. But I'm _so _going to hold you to that promise."

"Yes, I know. And 'own notes' doesn't include bribing Wormtail to take them for you, k?"

"Alles klar."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…can I put my arm around you when we sit down?"

"_No!"_

"Please?"

"No fucking way. I need some elbow room to cut up my sausages."

"You don't eat sausages."

"Banana…sausage, same difference."

"Dude…you're turning into me! Anyway…how about I pull the bench out for you?"

"I _have _managed for the past six years, you know."

"I'm just trying to be chivalric."

"Great…I'm romantically involved with a wannabe Crusader with an ego the size of Africa and a penchant for naturism…"

"But you love me…"

"Indeed."

"Heh."

"I'm not even kidding, Sirius. Can we _please, _in homage to everything that is sacred between us, just walk through these doors as if you _didn't _try to put your tongue in my mouth by way of greeting this morning?"

"Yeah, yeah…but you owe me, okay?"

"Man…I'm too hungry to argue about this any longer. I'm going in."

"Can I feed you cornflakes?"

"Piss off." (AN: right…this is where it gets a bit…shit…as I couldn't work out how to involve the rest of the gang. So basically, it's still just Remus 'n' Sirius…you'll just have to imagine the bits that James et al say. Sorry if it's completely incomprehensible)

"Hey, Prongs! Morning, Evans. Have I asked you today why in Merlin's name you're dating this loser?"

"Bonjour to all…Pete, you sure you got enough bacon there? I think you could probably squeeze another two or three rashers on if you shifted the beans to the side a bit…"

"May I pour you some citrus beverage, Monsieur Moony?"

"Ta muchly."

"…pass us the jam, dude. You got Quidditch after school, Jim?"

"Na…I don't think I _will _come, thanks. I have to redo that hideous piece of Potions."

"You're not going to _come_, eh, Moony?"

"_Shut up, Sirius Black."_

"Try a bite of this sausage, Moons…it's well tasty…"

"_I fucking mean it. I'll fucking skewer you with this fork…"_

"_Oh, you'll skewer me, will you? Mwahahaha…"_

"Sorry, Lily? Didn't get that…this pillock was distracting me…"

"I probably won't go to Quidditch, either, actually. Moony said he'd…test me on that Herbology module…didn't you, mate?"

"Er…yeah…just so…he sucks major ass."

"_Now look who's cruising for a bruising…"_

"Me? I wasn't laughing! At least…not at you…"

"You having a laugh, 'Tail? _Me _do the homework for Binns? Fat chance, my friend…"

"_If you don't take your hand away from my groin right now I will tell the whole school you cried this morning."_

"Right, what have we got first thing? Transfiguration? Ah, shite, I need to go and get my books from the dorm…I swear I don't know what the hell I do in the mornings…I'm so bloody disorganised…"

"Man, that was a truly delicious yoghurt. I'll see you guys in a tick, I left my inkpot in the common room…"

"…"

"…"

"Ha! Your _face_!"

"That wasn't _funny_! You know how easily I blush…"

"Hahahaha! Hey…tomorrow at breakfast…I bet you a Galleon I can make you come without anyone noticing. What you say?"

"I say you are a _lunatic_. Firstly, I haven't owned a Galleon since I won that Firewhisky thing in third year, and secondly…I will hex you into oblivion before your hand even _touches_ me…"

"Suit yourself. So, did you really forget your ink?"

"What do _you_ think?"

"Man, Moony, I'm truly touched…you just wanted to spend more time with your dear Padfoot."

"That's one way of looking at it, yes."

"Bless."

"If you think making a concerted effort to get you alone so I can berate you in no uncertain terms about…_molesting _me in public…is sweet, then, yeah, sure…"

"Dude, you suck." (AN: argh…slap me if I'm becoming too American. I can't have inherited it from when I lived there, I was only 18 months old!)

"Listen…_eventually _we can tell the rest of the gang…okay? Just…it really _wasn't _the moment…with Pete stuffing his face and Prongs making a house out of his waffles. Haven't you got _any _sense of romantic timing?"

"Psh. All I know is…now seems a good time to kiss you."

"Oh, _does _it now?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Again…you have the memory of a small amphibian."

"Why, thank you. Now shut up."

"Sirius…remember the deal we had? History of Magic notes and general good behaviour equals sexual favours from Moony later…ja?"

"Ah, yes…but you weren't serious."

"Like hell I wasn't."

"This is some sort of a _joke…_Remus, you are the most ungrateful, selfish rogue I have ever had the misfortune of meeting."

"And how do you think _insulting _me is going to help your chances?"

"Argh…_honestly_, if you were anyone else, you'd be gagging for it. Not pissing about packing your effing _schoolbag_."

"Well…I'm _not _anyone else…you have my full permission to seek out some more…cooperative party…"

"Fine, then. I _will._"

"Will you hell…"

"Ah, fuck off, Remus. That's just…fucking _typical_. I'm just trying to…I dunno, show you how much I …and you're just like _dripping _with your stupid sarcasm…I never know what you _want_."

"I …"

"I'll see you around, you tosser. And I _will _make my own notes…but only 'cause I don't want to be indebted to a heartless twat like _you."_

"Sirius, I …"

"…"

"Listen, I …Pads, don't walk away…mate, I just…"

"…"

"Oh, fuck…"

"…"

"Wait up! Pads…I …please, look at me."

"…"

"Will you just fucking stop walking and _look at me!"_

"…don't see why I should."

"Because…you're right…you're always right…I am ungrateful and…heartless and all that shit…but…man, you have to understand…I'm…Sirius, I'm scared…I'm bloody shitting myself…I mean, I haven't got a _clue _how to behave around you anymore…I just…it's really hard to like…restrain myself, Pads…"

"Huh?"

"Um…you know when you woke me up?"

"Hmm."

"Well…I _was _…uh…dreaming about you…"

"…"

"Always…always about you…for _years_…and it's like…now I don't know how to, like…combine dreams with what's _real_. I can't just…I have to remember that I don't behave like _that _in real life…"

"Like…what?"

"I …like you and I are the only people alive…like…there are no…lines to be crossed…I dunno…"

"I think I understand…and which is…um…_you?"_

"I …I…I'm happier when I dream."

"Um…"

"Oh, fuck it! …"

"…"

"…"

"…fuck, Moony…_warn _me before you _attack _me in future! Strewth…"

"Well, _sorry._ If your robes weren't so long you wouldn't trip on them."

"Hmph. It doesn't help if nine stone of horny werewolf _lunges _at you, actually."

"Yeah, well. Get off your ass and let's go to class."

"Do I still have to take notes in Binns' class?"

"Yes."

"You are such a _loser._"

"You never said a truer word. Now c'mon, there'll be no naked shenanigans this evening if we're both in detention for being late…will there?"

"Fair point, Mr. Lupin."

"…"

"Hey, Remus?"

"Yup?"

"What do _I _do in these dreams…?"

"Stop _grinning _at me like that…well…hmm…no, you _really _don't want to know…"

"But I _do._"

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"C'mon…you're such a fucking tease."

"Heh. Well…the whole metaphor with the magic wand…?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Let's just say…it's a bit too close for comfort…"

"…"

"…"

"The mind boggles…"

"Well, you _did _ask."

AN: hope you liked…it's so tricky to get the right balance between Remus' sardonic little comments and the actual fluffy emotion. Not sure I've quite succeeded…feedback makes me almost as happy as Magical Trevor… dd xxx


	6. Why Doesn't That Surprise Me?

AN: yo, tis me again! Much love and hugs to Lina, who is ill and has tests to revise for, but still reviews. Wish I could say the same for everyone…Hmph. Anyway…credit to my crazed sisters for this situation…well, the start anyway…the bit that isn't so…perverted? Have fun and drop me a line, dd xxx

* * *

"Hey, Moons!"

"No."

"But you don't even know what I was going to ask!"

"Knowing you, my friend, it can only be bad…"

"Hmph. I resent that. What I was _actually _going to ask for was a piece of parchment. I've never brought any to History of Magic before, I don't think."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? Wait a sec…yeah, here you go. Now, see this? It's called a _quill_. Put the pointy end in the little pot…"

"Piss off, Moony."

"You know you love it…"

"Yeah, _sure_. 'the involvement of German wizards in the Muggle war in Spain'…really floats my boat, that one."

"It is actually really interesting, Pads, if you'd just listen…I mean, look at this…yeah, don't widen your eyes at me, we _do _have a textbook for History of Magic…which seems to be news to a certain idle sod."

"Go on…prove to me why in hell this subject is anything _other _than a right royal waste of time."

"So…look at this…the Muggles have managed to convince themselves that German aeroplanes destroyed Guernica. When in actual fact it was a straightforward case of…"

"Moony, this is beyond boring. I can actually feel my brain _dying, _it's that dull." (AN: this is where Sirius and I disagree…although I confess my current coursework, which needless to say I'm _not _doing as we speak, on non-intervention in Spain is making my head ache a little)

"C'mon, it can't be _that _bad…now, I never said you had to write down every word Binns says…just the key points."

"Like… 'Muggles are thick. The German flying thingies didn't destroy the town. Some dark wizards did it. End of.'"

"Heh. Nice try, Sirius."

"…"

"…"

"…gods, how can you _stand _this? I never realised how much willpower it took to stay awake in this lesson…"

"Shut up and do some work…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"My God. Praise the giant squid, it's over. You realise I've missed out an a lot of sleep…I'll know who to blame if I'm in a foul mood tomorrow…"

"Right, let's see the goods. See if they meet my stringent standards."

"Et voila."

"Hmm…let's have a look."

"…"

"Sirius…"

"Yup?"

"These…aren't really _notes _as such, are they?"

"Are too! Look at the list of dates and shit, that is _pure _history."

"Yes, yes…I have to agree…but _this _bit at the end…and on the next page…uh…that's not really history per se, is it now?"

"Don't be such a pedant."

"Well…I mean…ah, _and _you've gone on to the next…oh, my."

"What!"

"_Sirius!_ You can't write stuff like…_this…_what if a teacher had picked it up? You have to burn it _now._"

"Hmph. I was only making a _checklist_. I tend to forget things…you know what I'm like…got a brain like a sieve, me…"

"No, no! Don't even _think_ about doing the rogueish winking thing. I cannot _believe _History of Magic inspired you to write this…this…_pornography._"

"Don't worry, it didn't! What, you think I get _turned on _by Muggle maniacs shooting each other dead with those things?"

"Guns, Pads. They're called _guns_."

"Well, _they _certainly don't inspire the poet in me…"

"Sirius…I mean…I'm no expert…but I thought poetry was meant to be about…I dunno…war, and bunnies and autumn and stuff…"

"Stuff, exactly. This is about…stuff…love an' all that."

"Right. Baring your soul and so on?"

"Yeah."

"Do you _have _to be so explicit?"

"You know what they say, mate…the truth will set you free."

"_Gods_. Sirius Black philosophising…give me strength."

"Man, quit with the mocking. I've seen your _soul._"

"I know…it freaks me out."

"Heh. _Well_, I draw my creative inspiration, not from the soporifia of Binns…"

"Point of information: soporifia isn't a word."

"Fuck off. As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted…do you have _any _idea how…mind-numbing you look when you're writing?"

"Well, _evidently, _judging from this filth…ahem, I quote… 'the real question is not whether Hitler was in fact a member of the elusive Dark Arts cult Eversoris, but actually whether Remus J. Lupin spits or swallows.' Please, Sirius…" (AN: erm…so I've never actually studied Latin, so the blatantly made-up cult name is a blind perversion of the word for 'destroyer'. Sorry about that)

"It's a pressing issue. But continuing…I mean…I should stay awake in class more often just to watch you…look at all this hair, falling across your face…and…the inkstains on your fingers, when you tuck hair behind your ears. Little ears. Like an elf. And…gods, Moony, noone should have cheekbones like that…"

"Okay, okay, point taken, now if you value our friendship _stop stroking my face_. Freak."

"Hmph. It's _not _porn. It's just…I can't help it if my mind has a tendency to…digress…can I?"

"I suppose not…but, Pads…I _really cannot see _how you manage to connect the use of the Cruciatus curse against the Anarchists in Barcelona with…er…melted chocolate…rubber duckies…and…gods, Padfoot, tell me that doesn't say what I think it does…"

"Give it here…hmm…man, my writing's atrocious, I can't even read it…"

"…"

"Ah, yes! Lederhosen, of _course."_

"Lederhosen."

"Indeed. Why not?"

"I…I really don't know. I …just…words _fail _me."

"That's a crap one, anyway. It shouldn't be that high on the list. I'll have to think of something a bit better later."

"…Sirius?"

"Remus."

"What are these?"

"Drawings."

"…um. You bewitched them. To _move._"

"That's right. Bow down to Padfoot, Charmsmeister."

"They are…moving. Oh gods, I'm going blind! I'm going to be _permanently _scarred because of this…shit, this is so traumatising…watching a little cartoon version of yourself…um…"

"_I _think it's quite kinky, actually."

"Can we continue this conversation somewhere slightly more private, please?"

"Ooh…Mr Moony, you _are _a one!"

"Piss off, you twat. I simply meant…you're getting that…raunchy look in your eyes again…never a good omen."

"What, a look not dissimilar to the one _you _got in your chocolate eyes this morning, before lunging at me and snogging my _face _off?"

"Yes, that's the one. _But, _the difference being, we were in an empty corridor then. I really don't fancy being assaulted by Sirius Black in the height of his manly passion in front of half of Hufflepuff."

"Hmph. Right, lead the way, mister."

"Incendio."

"What! What the fuck did you do _that _for?"

"Because, Padfoot, my love, I will not run the risk of someone finding a rather obscene little doodle of Gryffindor's resident bookworm putting his tongue to a use God never intended. Okay?"

"But _Moony!_ That took me the whole of History of Magic. Wanker."

"Keep your hat on! I can remember a few of them…sort of _branded _onto my poor, scandalized brain, really."

"Dude…there were nearly_ fifty_…how am I going to remember them all? Hmph. I'm going to have _nothing _to do in the evenings now. I hate you."

"C'mon. We can continue this upstairs."

"They spread before me…hours of boredom and sexual frustration…taunting me…beckoning to me…and you'll be _reading _or something, looking like Sir Galahad…bitch."

"Shut up, will you."

"…"

"…"

"…no, no, no! You can't just solve things like that!"

"Can I not?"

"That's really unfair, Moony."

"Well, you _wanted _a kiss. I gave you one. Can't say fairer than that, eh?"

"You're such a…mean little bastard."

"Ooh, _offensive_."

"Will you stop that and come and argue with me?"

"I'm looking for something. Stop disturbing me."

"Whatcha looking for?"

"Hm…shit, it's got to be here _somewhere."_

"Mooony…"

"Ah! Bingo…I rule."

"Remus…it's a piece of parchment."

"I know that."

"You're being all difficult _again._ What about this morning? Was that not, like…I dunno…special?"

"Of course."

"So why are you being such a twat now? You burnt my things-to-do-to-Remus list. I'm never forgiving you."

"I forgave _you._"

"Moons…don't…I thought we'd agreed we wouldn't talk about…that…"

"Okay, okay…I'm sorry. Come and sit."

"I don't sit with pyromaniacs."

"Suit yourself. I'll just have to read my list of sordid fantasies by myself then, won't I? '_Ready for action.'_"

"Yeah. Go ahead and see if _I _care…you _what?"_

"Ahem…numero uno… 'use dragon heartstrings to tie SB to the middle Quidditch hoop. Use cranberry jelly liberally, preferably applied using a paintbrush.'"

"…"

"Something wrong, Pads? Now then…numero duo…"

"Moony, for God's sake _stop._"

"Oh, sorry, am I bothering you? You really should get on with that essay…I'm sure your comprehensive notes will help you no end…mphrgl…"

"Oh, Mr Lupin you are going to _pay…_"

"Glsfdjy…hmph. Stupid dog. Nearly _smothered _me."

"Serves you bloody well right. How long have you had _that _list then?"

"Oh…I'd say…yeah, about three years."

"Wow…who'd have thought it? Little Remus Lupin, a horny sado-masochist…"

"It's not like that… '_well and truly satisfied_.'"

"Yeah, well…hey, how did you do that? Where's it gone?"

"Tricks of the trade, Pads. Just like the map. But…with different passwords."

"I see."

"Now…this essay…how about it?"

"You're having a laugh, right? Pass us that parchment…good boy. Now, the password?"

"'_Ready for action.'_"

"Ha! Legendary…righty-o…now, pick a number between…one and…one hundred and _thirteen_? Moony, you little _fiend_."

"Um…twenty eight."

"Erm…no, you can't have that one…"

"Why not? You said I could _choose!"_

"Yeah…but it involves pasta. I _hate _pasta."

"Okay, okay…picky little madam, you are…how about…forty two?"

"Hm…ye, that'll do."

"Yeah, but you're the one who's going to the kitchens to get the guacamole."

"What did your last slave die of?" (AN: my mum says this all the time, bless her. Not in reference to dubious sex aids, mind you…)

"Scram, mister. I'll do your essay for you."

"I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Go! Procrastination is the thief of time. And remember to bring some teaspoons. And the rubber gloves, if you can find them."

"Right you are, mate."

* * *

AN: Oh, dear…I may live to regret this. I love guacamole. Drop in soon to watch the canine duo at a Quidditch match. There may be showers and unnecessary broomstick jokes and so on…I wouldn't be at all surprised, the way my mind works these days… dd xxx 


	7. The Things I Do For You

AN: bonjour! Thank you for all the reviews so far, especially to Lina (hope the tests went well and you are fully returned to health), please keep 'em coming…erm…this bit isn't _too _bad in terms of humour quota or plain ole perversion (which really needs to be toned down, mefeels…). Enjoy…dd xx

* * *

"Padfoot…"

"…wstfgl…"

"Siri_us_…"

"Mph. Go 'way…"

"Uh…Snape just called you a queer?"

"What? Huh? Wha…he did _not? _Let me at him, I'll fucking _liquidise _him!"

"Good, that's woken you up. Get dressed. We slept through Potions. _And _Charms."

"Ah, no worries, mate, I'll just copy up from Moony…um…"

"Might be a _slight _flaw in your argument, eh, Pads? You'll have to grovel to Lily, I suppose."

"Shit. My tongue feels like lamb chops."

"It'll serve you right for giving it such a rigorous workout. Poor thing."

"Would Mr Lupin like to kiss it better?"

"Na, you're alright."

"Ugh…I'm going back to sleep."

"You are _not._ Get up and put some clothes on, you lazy sod. I feel quite indecent."

"Debauched, you are, Moony. Who'd have thought it?"

"Will you _stop _saying that? Like I'm some sort of…hermit or something!"

"Well…I always imagined myself…no…"

"Go on…I love to see you squirm…"

"I _know…_well…I always thought I'd have to …I dunno, teach you the tricks of the trade, as it were…"

"Well, that's just _great_. Bet you were looking forward to it, weren't you, Professor Black? Dominatrix."

"Heh."

"…"

"…"

"No, no, no! You are getting up, right _now_, and we're going to watch Prongs piss about on a broom, okay?"

"Aw, _Moo_ny…do we have to?"

"Yes, we do. It's a nice day, if a little nippy, and just because we…we…are like _this_, doesn't mean you can neglect your friends…"

"A little _nippy_. Who says that any more?" (AN: don't be rude, Sirius, stop dissing the way I speak)

"Shut up. Get your clothes."

"But it's _cold._"

"Fine. The things I do for you. Here you go. Change under the fucking duvet."

"Smells funny."

"Sirius, _please_. I do _not _need to know things like that."

"Is there, like, a _spell _or something so I can capture the smell and take it to _my _bed?"

"Weirdo."

"Or I could just sleep in your bed all the time."

"Oh, right, and James would just be completely oblivious, just float through life not noticing, right?"

"Ah, bollocks to James. Anyway. Pass us that T-shirt."

"This one… 'just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean we're not out to get you'?" (AN: thank you, Mr B., history teacher and moralist extraordinaire)

"Yes."

"And…can you not do that?"

"Do what?"

"Stretch like that."

"Why not?"

"Well…uh…it makes your torso all, like…um…accentuated…"

"Ha! Stop blushing, _you_!"

"Just put on some clothes, for the love of God, before I change my mind."

"That'd be fine with me."

"No. We shall be strong. There's always tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is, indeed, another day."

"Are you _still _not ready?"

"I have to preen."

"You look beautiful. Now get your arse out of my bed before I go without you."

"I'm hungry."

"Oh my good lord. Is that _all _you ever think about? I always feel that when people accuse you of being arrogant I should defend you somehow…you know, 'Sirius isn't arrogant or selfish, he always puts his stomach before himself."

"Hmph. Can we stop off for croissants on the way back?"

"You are _not _eating bloody _croissants _in my bed, thank you very much. I'll be picking crumbs out of my pubic hair for weeks."

"…heh. Nice mental image, there, Moons."

"Are you done yet? No, for God's sake you do _not _need another shave. You already beautified yourself enough this morning."

"But I don't want to give you, like, a _rash _or something."

"…oh lord. I'm sure I'll live, Sirius."

"But…your skin…"

"What about it?"

"It's…I dunno, really _nice, _special…I…do you have _any _idea how hard it is to stop my hand jumping out in the corridor and just touching your face…"

"Like in Romeo and Juliet? 'Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek'…"

"No. _Nothing _like that. That Shakespeare dude gives me a headache. Just…accept my feelings how they are, with no need to apply them to Western literature and all that other shit we do in Muggle Studies."

"Whatever, whatever. Let's get to the pitch now. James will be wondering where his fan club's gone."

"Heh. Hey, Remus, wait up!"

"Come on, you twat. And your T-shirt's on inside out."

"Poo. Well…if we're Prongs' fan club, can we have, like _pompoms _and stuff?"

"My eye. I sometimes wonder what the hell goes on in your mind when I'm not there to stop you."

"On the contrary, my dear Moony, it's precisely _your _presence that makes my mind go into unfortunate overdrive."

"Erm…that's not a good thing, is it?"

"Oh, definitely not. I'd _never _have thought of you in a cheerleader's outfit if you hadn't undressed with the lights on today."

"…in a _what?"_

"Well, sorry, mate, I just thought you'd look really sweet in one of those short skirts…with your lovely hair in pigtails and stuff…"

"Sicko."

"What? I bet _you _think about me in a Muggle police officer get-up or something…"

"No, funnily enough, I do _not, _Sirius Black. So stop _deluding _yourself."

"Bet you do."

"Do not."

"You so do…I'm not stupid."

"Fine, whatever! If you _must _know, I get off on the thought of you as a dashing dragon slayer. In hot leather, a navy bandanna and covered in sexy scars. And with a smouldering stare. Happy now?"

"That's _cool_."

"Exactly. Shit, it's even colder out here."

"You want a hug?"

"No, I don't."

"Fine, then."

"Right, where shall we sit? In the Gryffindor stands?"

"Good thinking, Batman." (AN: Er…anachronistic, much? Ah, who gives a…?)

"Man, these seats are hard."

"I…"

"Just _don't_. I can see that innuendo before it's even left your stupid lips. It's not worth it for all the hexes I will hurl at you. Okay?"

"Heh. I'll save it for later."

"You do that…now, where's James? Ah, I see him…"

"The one doing somersaults on his broom?"

"Naturally."

"I'd love it if he…ah, there he goes…"

"Ha! Pride comes before a fall, my dear friend…hey, James! Having fun down there?"

"Hehehe…those two fingers, they just say it all, don't they?"

"Atta boy, James…always such an _individual_ way of making himself understood. Bless him, he's all muddy…"

"…"

"…"

"Hey, Remus?"

"Ja?"

"You know those moving picture things Muggles watch on that…the television?"

"I do. I think you'll find they're called _films…_but go on…"

"You know like in films, especially the romance ones, they have those metal things that fly and write a message in the air in their wake? Do you know?"

"Planes. Aeroplanes, Sirius."

"Yes, them. You know what I'm on about…?"

"…_scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead…" _(AN: thank you, thank you Mr Auden, you rule the school)

"Shut up. I don't appreciate that Muggle poetry shit."

"Well, what's your point? I'm trying to watch this…it's really quite amusing how crap the Beaters are this year…a comic duo if ever there was one…"

"Well…if broomsticks could write messages, like…I dunno, leave long trails of stars…what would you write?"

"Hm?"

"What message would you write on the sky?"

"Oh…um…I dunno…a line from some poem or something…"

"Ok."

"…"

"…"

"…what? Did you expect me to say something like 'my heart belongs to Sirius Black: we shag like bunnies every night, signed Remus Lupin xx'?"

"Well, I …"

"Just because I don't talk about you _all _the time, doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you…I could…I could write 'you are too young to go to sleep forever, and when you sleep you remind me of the dead'. How would that be?" (AN: Sassoon, you rock nearly as much as Wilfred Owen.)

"Hm."

"Well…it's true. I mean…it's nice to, like, watch you when you're sleeping. But, like…I get all scared, cause I slow time down so much, like in a vacuum, that I can't see you breathing…y'know? I think…I sometimes think I've killed you by looking at you too much, stealing your vitality or something…"

"…um."

"I…man, I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…I…ha, I don't blame you if you're all freaked out by me watching you…I …"

"I'm not freaked out."

"…um. Okay."

"It's really hot, actually. Except, I'm never going to be able to fall asleep again, wondering whether you're looking at me like that…"

"See, I told you it was freaky."

"No…"

"Let's just watch the practice, shall we? We can talk about this later. You think?"

"No."

"Stop being sullen. I _did _apologise."

"I don't feel like watching Quidditch any more."

"Sirius, I'm sorry. Just because I'm being an ass, doesn't mean everything has lost its appeal."

"Na…all these…broomsticks…and all those empty dressing rooms a few feet away…and those…showers…and _you…_quoting poetry at me…gods, Remus, can you stop making the tip of your nose red like that?"

"Um…I …"

"It's, like, minus 10 degrees…I'm meant to be shivering and blue, not all sweaty and trembling just because my rogue of a boyfriend looks like an angel…"

"I…"

"Shut up. Are you coming?"

"Pads…we're not meant to be in the changing rooms…"

"And? Man…I feel really _muddy_, it must be all that Quidditch practice…"

"Piss off."

"Oh, _dear_, I can't _possibly_ reach my back…and that's the _muddiest_ part…quelle dommage…"

"Really, Sirius, stop being a jackass…"

"Oh, what a shame…I'll just have to run the sponge up and down my toned thighs _myself _then…and feel the water course down my arched back and between my buttocks _alone…_ah, well…I'm sure I'll cope…"

"It's not working, you know…I've got your number, Sirius Black…"

"It so _is_…no matter…man…all that Quidditch…my broomstick is in _abominably _bad condition…guess I'll just have to _polish _it, won't I?"

"Sirius, that is _sick_."

"You're blushing! Hehehehe…"

"You are such a _manipulative _little devil, you know?"

"Yes, I do."

"Um…come to think of it…I …um…think I left my shampoo in here after the last match…maybe…"

"Mwahaha. Last one there's a pansy."

"…"

"Hey, wait up, you twat!"

* * *

AN: So? Any good? Am I losing my touch? I have to say, the next bit is already written, and I'm warning you it contains precious little humour…argh, yes, it's the curse of dorian dark's evil angst fixation…so enjoy the minimal laughs while you can! See you soon, and do please drop me a line…dd xx 


	8. Now You Mention It

AN: I'm _not _pleased with this. Please forgive me for lapsing back into angsty Remus mode (if you've read any of my other fics you'll know what I'm talking about). But read on anyway, plotwise it's sort of necessary…dd xx

* * *

"Boo!"

"Shit! Don't _do _that!"

"Hehe. Pleased to see me, oh wanton lover?"

"Sirius. I thought we'd acquiesced on the whole situation with the public displays of affection."

"I didn't _touch _you!"

"That…is _true…_however, I do not particularly appreciate being addressed in such a candid and untruthful fashion."

"What! You _are _wanton."

"Sirius…I really do not know by _which _standards I'm being judged here…but…in short, my friend…stop talking shit."

"Well…what about that list? Eh? _Eh?_"

"That must never, _ever _be mentioned outside the confines of the dormitory, do I make myself understood? Really, Pads. If anyone found that…I would…God, I dunno _what _I'd do…"

"I…"

"Oh, ye gods. _What _are you looking like that for?"

"Like…what?"

"Oh, don't tell me…"

"Well…now, Moony…you know the whole thing with…um…my temper?"

"Yes. I do _not _like the way this is currently going…"

"Um."

"Sirius, please, if you value our relationship, tell me you _didn't _tell James. Or Peter."

"Oh, no! Nothing like _that._ Don't worry your pretty little head about _that_."

"Good, good. Now…"

"I told Snape."

"…you _what?"_

"I…the thing was, I was, like…_furious _with him, 'cause he was all like 'so, what's that then?' – y'know, pointing at the, um…bite on my collar bone – 'who's Mr Black been snogging?'"

"Well, couldn't you have _lied_ or something? …It's never stopped you before. Hell, even _hexing _the bugger would have been better than discussing my sexual preferences with him. Oh my good lord."

"Hm. I …ah…you see, he was…accusing me of…um…kissing Lily. So…I had to defend my…honour."

"Your honour."

"Yup."

"Sirius…what in the name of Godric Gryffindor makes you think you have _any _honour?"

"I don't?"

"No. Now piss off and leave me to face a torrent of malicious teasing alone."

"Um. I bought you a present."

"Was this before or after you betrayed me to our worst enemy?"

"After, I have to admit."

"That's fucking _sly_, that is. Should be in bloody _Slytherin_, you should. Give me one good reason why I should even _talk _to you again, let alone engage in sordid practices involving broomsticks and salad dressings."

"Erm…it's chocolate?"

"So? Do I _look _bothered?" (AN: I've never subscribed to the theory that Remus is addicted to chocolate. Just like I've never really got how he turns up in some fics as _FRENCH_. What the HELL? Not that French!Remus isn't a hot concept…okay, I digress…)

"…"

"Fuck off. Don't look at me like that."

"Well…I _did _promise to hex him if he told anyone."

"Like _that's _going to work…see…the problem with _that _is…we don't have Dumbledore on our sides. I seriously doubt the Headmaster is going to sanction highly suspect and almost illegal activity between one of his prefects and a frankly unbalanced genius. Do you concur?"

"Hm."

"…"

"So you don't want the chocolate?"

"No. I want nothing from you. I thought we were through with the whole betrayal of trust shit."

"Evidently not. Piss off, Remus, I'm trying to apologise to you here. But you're fucking me about too much, I guess. As ever…you bloody _wanker, _I never thought you'd be such a coward."

"Ex_cuse­_ me?"

"You heard me. I'm going to bed. Go fuck yourself."

"Well, _that's _mature."

"Just like you, then. At least _I'm _willing to face up to myself. 'Night."

"…"

"…"

"…gods."

"…"

"…Sirius?"

"I'm asleep, you little shit."

"Don't go turning me into the villain again. That's always the way, isn't it, you with all your precious _feelings_ and cryptic little arguments to use against me…you can't just storm off like that and leave me clueless…"

"You heard me. Coward."

"…"

"Oh, _now _you cry! Only now, when I'm telling you the truth about yourself…gods, you're too selfish for words."

"I…Padfoot, I genuinely don't understand."

"Shit. You…I …you won't tell James, you won't tell Lily, you go apeshit on me when I accidentally tell Snivellus…you…"

"I…"

"Don't fucking interrupt me! All this time, I'm so…so _proud, _I want to climb to the top of the Astronomy Tower and just shout it all out onto the wind, just…boast about how…lucky I am…I just can't believe how _ashamed _you are, Remus! I guess that's always been your way, though, hasn't it…all that crap about hiding feelings behind books, just keeping quiet and rotting away there in your intellectual bullshit. Unless you feel _nothing_? Shit, I wouldn't be surprised."

"…I …"

"Nothing to say, eh? Yeah, that's right, cry _now_, let it all out, you twat, indulge in a little self-pity when I've spent the past week kissing you or crying over you. Not to mention the _years _I wasted thinking about you…I…I wish you'd let me know where we stand."

"I…my gods, oh Sirius…please…"

"So you _want _my comfort?"

"I…of course I do, I want it more than anything…oh please…"

"Now? Here in the dorm, with all these curtains to shield us from the world? Or…how about we go down to the common room and I …put my arms around you and kiss your stupid hair and tell you out loud how much you mean to me? No…that'd make you feel too…embarrassed…too _unclean_. Can't you just…accept what you are?"

"_What _I am? Fuck, Sirius, I've had since I was six years old to face up to _that_. You want me to admit another reason for the world to…shun me?"

"Oh. And…all the stuff with the Animagi…and all those full moons…and afterwards, in the Hospital Wing. What has any of that meant? Remus. We love you. _I _love you. Everyone who meets you…trusts you more than words. What does it matter what you do when the lights go out?"

"I…I …you know I'm not strong like you."

"What? Not strong? You…I've never met _anyone _as strong as you…I…who wouldn't admire you…gods, Moony, noone could face up to the shit you do and still come out the other side and be the most…amazing person…still be there, smiling despite it all…"

"I…I'm only strong because of you. You should know that…"

"And before? When you were a little boy? And…and _after_? When…when we don't know each other any more?"

"I…my mum believes in the Muggle God, you know." (AN: bit risky, I know, involving religion in HP fic…ah well…)

"…"

"I…just pray to that God there'll never be a time when we don't know each other. I truly…I truly can't imagine what I'd do."

"Remus…and _still_, if you _do_ need me…I just…why won't you admit it?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Yes. I know I can be…bitchy, and cruel and more besides…but I want to believe I'm honest. If you need help…being strong like that…then I'm with you every step of the way."

"Um…yes. I _do _need you. I…hide behind all the…sarcasm and stuff…because I've spent my life having my trust shot down. I guess…your track-record is against you somewhat."

"You can trust me, Moony. I'm only human…it's human to fuck up at times, isn't it? Moony…I'd never let you fall."

"I love you."

"I know. Now stop being such a knob, wipe your eyes, and come here."

"I have something I have to do."

"Um…okay. Are you coming back?"

"Unless I die…"

"Hmph."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…ah, there you are…all sorted?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"James…James says it's okay, as long as we don't keep him awake or anything…or like freak him out and stuff…and Lily says good on us, but we shouldn't neglect our studies. And she says…um…I quote 'tell that wretch Black not to even _try _stealing my underwear. I know what that kinky little shit is like.'"

"You…um…um…_what_?"

"I…had to spread the good news, I guess."

"The _good news_?"

"Yes. About us. Going out and stuff."

"Erm…yeah. Yeah, that's…good."

"That's what I thought. You have a way with words, Mr. Black."

"That's not the _only _thing I have a way with, actually…now you mention it, eh? But, hang about…when you say you…um…spread the news…that would entail _what, _exactly?"

"Well…sort of like an announcement…I think quite a few people were still at dinner, though, so I'm not sure if the _entire _house heard…"

"Uh-huh."

"I confess…some of the fourth years looked a bit…puzzled when I got to the bit about… 'I regret to announce that Sirius Black is no longer single' …like they couldn't quite grasp the concept."

"Um."

"So…I sort of had to draw them, like…a little diagram. Um."

"Not one to kiss and tell, are you now, Moons?"

"Silent as the grave, me."

"I love you."

"Let me guess…you haven't done that Herbology?"

"That's true…but I meant it more in a sort of 'come here and do me bad things, Remus Lupin' way, actually."

"Only too happy to oblige."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Mm. So…tomorrow, you can tell the Hufflepuffs…I'd watch some of the third years, they can get a bit suicidal whenever I appear attached. And I'll do the Ravenclaws."

"Right you are. And…Slytherin?"

"Ah, well…that's an entirely new kettle of fish. How about a literal demonstration in Potions tomorrow?"

"No, seriously." (AN: I refuse to do it. I won't succumb to the evil curse of 'serious' jokes. Nope. Nada.)

"Heh."

"Shut up. And get your hand away from there, if you pl-…oh."

"Hmm…I might just have to put some Veritaserum in your pumpkin juice…and interrogate you in front of the entire year. Sound like a plan?"

"You're such a control freak."

"I know. Now, please lie down. Close your eyes and think of England."

"Whatever you say, sir."

* * *

AN: argh, what a load of rubbish! I'm very off-form, I have to say. It's just a bit tricky to keep having Remus be an insensitive shit all the time. Gets a bit repetitive. But give Remus emotions and you kill the humour. Argh. Well, now they're somewhat reconciled, maybe the next bit can be more deserving of the tag 'humour'. To whet your appetite…it contains Remus dressed entirely in pink, Sirius playing fashion guru, and a rather bewildered Professor Slughorn. Hopefully that's convinced you not to flee in hordes… dd xxx 


	9. In Case You Didn't Notice

AN: so…I hope this is a lot better than the previous instalment, which was sadly lacking in anything approaching humour. Read on to find out how the Slytherins reacted to the news that Black and Lupin are getting it on…and what happens when aforementioned canine duo go shopping. dd xxxx

* * *

"See? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"No, Sirius, not at _all_…I mean, I really _loved _having every item of my clothing turned baby pink courtesy of Severus Snape, not to mention my hair…look at it, just _look _at it! …and having all of the Slytherins, _not to mention_ some of those bloody Ravenclaws pointing and _laughing_ at me…we should really do it all again some time…"

"Stop with the sarcasm, mister…"

"No, but really, Pads, that was possibly the _best _idea you could _ever _have had, just grabbing me like that in the middle of Potions…with every single Slytherin watching. Really good thinking, there…your intellect amazes me… And y'know, you could have overturned my cauldron…then we _really _would have been in trouble…"

"Ah, Sluggy'd have cleaned it up, no probs, before it burnt a hole in your precious robes or anything…"

"In case you didn't notice, dear Professor Slughorn was too busy having an aneurism at the sight of good little Remus Lupin being violently _snogged _in a painful spread-eagle across the desk to do _any _cleaning."

"Yeah, well, he should get used to it."

"Sirius, that was the first and last time I _ever _kiss you in lessons! I have NEWTs to pass, you know!"

"Exc_use _me, Mr Lupin, stop _deluding _yourself…I _clearly _remember lifting you off your feet and pinning _you _to the desk…not the other way round. So if anyone was doing anything as lame as just _kissing_, it was _me. _Bloody werewolf, trying to claim the glory for himself."

"Okay, okay…anyway…if you try a stunt like that again, I'll have my hand on my wand ready to curse you to kingdom come…I mean…um…"

"Ooh…mwahahaha I love when you make comments like that and only realise ten seconds later how dodgy it sounds…"

"Hmph."

"Now…you know what?"

"What?"

"You have no clothes…"

"Yes, I _know_. Do you think this has not occurred to me? I'll be walking around in pink robes for the rest of my life because I'm sure as hell not affording new ones any time soon. Great. That's absolutely _wonderful. _I'm never going outside again. _Gods._"

"Let's go to Hogsmeade!"

"Are you _deaf?"_

"Ah, stop being such a drama queen! I tell you, this is a great plan…we can just go on a shopping spree…and I'll pick up the tab seeing as how it's your birthday soon, ok?"

"I …"

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Moony. You deserve a nice treat."

"Oh, it's a _treat_, is it, to be dragged through the streets of Hogsmeade wearing fuscia robes, and sporting a hairdo to match? Can't think of _anything _I'd rather be doing…"

"Hmph. Stop being a grouchy old sod. And anyway, you look nice in pink…"

"You…you _what_?"

"It really goes well with your eyes…"

"Are you _mocking _me?"

"No. You genuinely look…I dunno…ravishable."

"Oh, Hippogriffs protect us…you _lunatic_. Look at me! What am I going to do?"

"Like I said, let's go and buy some new gear…unless you can reverse the charm?"

"Like hell I can…it was _me _who made the charm up in the first place, ready for you and Prongs to use on unsuspecting passers-by…I made _sure_ it couldn't be changed. Oh, great…I've really shot myself in the foot this time. Go and get me a paper bag, there's a good boy, Pads."

"Stop wallowing in self-pity…it's easily remedied…and _anyway_, Madam Malkin's has a sale on, we're well in!" (AN: my pedantic sister pointed out that Madam Malkin's is in Diagon Alley, not Hogsmeade. Do I _look _like I care? Let's just say they're a chain store. Sort of Topshop for wizard folk.)

"Oh, ye gods…I know I'm going to regret this…"

"Not at all, Moony, not at all…girls will be _throwing _themselves at your feet, you'll look so fucking fit when I've finished with you…"

"Funny…_I'd _say every time you _finish_ with me, I look more like I've been dragged through the Forbidden Forest by the feet…rather than _fit_, as you so eloquently put it."

"Oh, will you _desist_, sir? I have…such _plans _for my Remus, you wouldn't believe…"

"I don't doubt."

"Now then, have you got your brolly, it's tipping it down out there…oh, they _didn't_…"

"They fucking _did._ Every item of clothing I own, even the ones I wasn't wearing! Never mind that my trunk was on the other side of the school in Gryffindor tower. Hm. They've evidently modified the charm since I created it."

"Heh."

"It's _not _funny!"

"No, no, of _course _it isn't. Let's go, we've got some bargains to stake out!"

"Aaah…I'm never going to live this down…"

"Have no fear, my darling, I will pulverise anyone who questions your masculinity."

"Oh, yeah, and calling me '_darling'_ is really going to help matters, isn't it?"

"Damn straight."

"Could we not have gone through that passage?"

"Nope. We mustn't show them we're intimidated! Don't let the bastards grind you down!"

"Erm…quite."

"Aww, look at you, with your lovely hair stuck to your face…I should dance with you in the rain more often, Moony."

"Padfoot, I'm warning you, I have no qualms about cursing my own boyfriend if he refuses to _shut up._"

"Fine, fine, shutting up. Ah, here we go…look at that one, I can just see you in that, with a rose in your teeth…you have fantastic teeth, mate…"

"All the better to rip your stupid vocal cords out with, eh? And _look _at it, Sirius, can you imagine me turning up to lessons in _that_? I'd look like some sort of crazed matador!"

"_I'd _charge at you, my love."

"Yes, but you think singing 'Bat Out Of Hell' at three am from the top of the Astronomy Tower _with a megaphone_ is a nice birthday present…which speaks volumes about your mental capacity."

"Quit the grumbling and get inside…people are giving us funny looks…"

"Ooh, I wonder why on earth _that _could be?"

"Right, that's _it! _Get into the changing rooms and sit there and _mope _and _I, _in my infinite wisdom, will select some items for you to try on. Does _that _meet with your approval, you self-conscious twat?"

"Whatever. Anything to get away from the public eye…oh, gods, it's fucking Snape! Just what I need…"

"Heh. Don't worry, he's not looking."

"That's a blatant lie. He…yep, he's sniggering. My life is _over._"

"Come on, inside the shop. Uncle Padfoot is going to make you feel a new man."

"Right you are."

"…"

"…"

"…so you just sit tight in here, okies? I'll be back in a flash."

"Yeah…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Ah, there you are…right, let's see what Hogwarts' resident fashion guru managed to pick out. I bet you got my size wrong, too…"

"Strip off first, Moony."

"Hmph. Pervert."

"I prefer 'personal shopper', _actually_."

"Fine, fine…"

"Ha!"

"What?"

"They…oh gods, this is inspired…they even turned your Superman boxers pink! Man, I want to relish this moment forever!"

"Shut up…oh, the idiot, idiot little buggers! My favourite boxers…is nothing sacred in this world? Man, am I ever going to get them one day…and stop with the sniggering, you!"

"Sorry. Okay, here we go. Let's start with…ah yes, this one…nice shade of blue, wouldn't you say?"

"Um…"

"Don't you like it? The saleswizard said it was hot property in Milan over the winter."

"Sirius…it's made of _satin_. Satin. As in, glossy and…rippling."

"So? It'll look so nice on your skin…can you imagine your little slender wrists in those sleeves…ahh…"

"Padfoot, not being a narcissistic little twat like _some _people, I don't spend my days _thinking about my own wrists._ And more to the point…those bloody fourth years already think I look like a girl, I don't want to give them any more reason to think so!"

"Na…you won't look like a girl, Remus. You're too tall…I mean…yeah, so your facial bone structure is a _little _feminine…but_ I_ know you're all man…hehehehe."

"Whatever. I still refuse to try it on. I don't like the look of those ruffles."

"Have it your way…now, how about this one?"

"Sirius…what is _that_?"

"Um…it's a shirt."

"Could have fooled me…why is it so…_colourful_?"

"Good, isn't it? I really like the way all the different patterns interlink…"

"Padfoot."

"Moony."

"What exactly did you say to that saleswizard?"

"Um…well I said you were…a few inches shorter than me, that you had…like, autumnal colouring…"

"…autumnal! What the fuck is _that _supposed to mean?"

"Brown, you rogue! Now…and then…I said…yeah, that was about it, actually. He was really helpful, you know."

"You told him I had 'autumnal colouring' and he came out with _this?"_

"Pretty much, yeah."

"What _else _did you tell him?"

"Um…I might have…mentioned that you're…er…a bit gay."

"…a bit gay?"

"Um, yeah."

"Great. Absolutely fan-bloody-tastic."

"What? It's _true_."

"Yes, I know. But Sirius, would _you _wear this…this _monstrosity_?"

"Of course I wouldn't…but I have a completely different frame to you, it would look really odd on me…"

"And it'll look _brilliant_ on me, wouldn't it? Listen to me, you…you _idiot_…why in the name of…of that wretched Snitch you worship, should I change the way I look, talk, _walk _or otherwise live my life just because you happen to sneak into my bed every night?"

"But Remus…"

"No, listen! Before…with Julia, all those years…I wasn't dressing and behaving like I did to hide anything about my sexuality…I was dressing like that because that's _me,_ that's how I want to dress. Okay?"

"No wonder you hardly ever pulled."

"Fuck off. You _know _what I mean! I don't need to somehow be…emancipated from the evils of heterosexuality all of a sudden…can't I just dress how I always have and still be gay?"

"But…you'd look so…sweet in this…"

"That may well be, but I wouldn't feel like myself. Now, get your ass out there and choose some clothes you can actually see me in. Tell that bigoted twat out there to abandon all his stupid stereotypes. This is the 1970s, Sirius."

"Wow…I love it when you get angry…"

"Out! I don't want you coming back with a _single _ruffle, frill or psychedelic squiggle. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, _sir._"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…not even this nice scarf?"

"Hmm…does it come in any other colour?"

"Well, there's a sort of purplish one…it's got a few sequins on the end, though…"

"That'll do._ Then_ will you be happy?"

"As Larry."

"Fine. Now hurry up out there, I'm freezing my poor balls off in here."

* * *

AN: any good? Well, _I _thought it was quite funny, anyway. I'm sorry if I've insulted anyone with the whole gay stereotype thing…I was _trying _to make the point that there's no such thing as a gay dress sense. Does that make…er…sense? So, yeah…reviews would be, as ever, welcome :D come back soon to watch and learn as Sirius gives Remus a birthday present. Indeed… dd xxx

PS I'm off to Wales for a few days right now, so the next update will be a bit longer in coming. Happy Easter, everyone! xx


	10. Let Me Get This Straight

AN: Bonsoir! Yay! Back from Wales…much as I love it (sheep frolicking merrily, grand mountains, my entire family gabbling at me in Welsh about tractors), there is a distinct lack of internet in my gran's neck of the woods (Dolgellau, for those of you who know about these things). Anway…I digress…I'm glad you all liked the last part, my sisters (in their supreme knowledge…) liked it the best. This one's a tad sappy, I hate to say, but I hope I will be forgiven. Read on, and remember: meloves reviews. And cookies, thanks Amberhawk :D dd xx

* * *

"Hey, Pads? …you in here? …Sirius?"

"…"

"…um…Sirius? …you're missing a really good party…Wormtail just sang 'Wild Thing' on the karaoke…"

"…"

"…oh gods…Padfoot? I _know _you're in here…"

"…"

"…um…why is there a huge cake on my bed? …"

"_Surprise!"_

"Aaaaah! _Shit_, Sirius! Don't _do _that! …"

"Happy Birthday, Moony!"

"Aaaaaah!"

"Like it?"

"…"

"…well?"

"Um…let me get this straight…you forsook (AN: what a weird past participle…anyway…) a veritable _orgy _of Butterbeer, raucous singing and teenage hormones to crouch in a cardboard _cake _for hours…dressed in nothing but a turquoise spangly thong?"

"Got it in one, Remus."

"With only a pair of maracas for company?"

"And a can of squirty cream."

"Argh! _Don't _attack me with the cream!"

"Too late, sorry…"

"Wonderful. What a…kind and thoughtful gift. I …I shall never forget this moment."

"Really?"

"Actually, Sirius, I probably won't. I'm scarred for life…will you _please _stop…wiggling your…booty?"

"I think I make quite an attractive belly-dancer, actually…"

"There's no doubt about that…but _really_. You'll catch your death, it's only March. Would you pass me a tissue?"

"It was quite warm in that cake, y'know."

"Glad to hear it. Are you coming to join the festivities?"

"Dressed like _this?"_

"Well, whose stupid fault is it that you're dressed up like a pole dancer, anyway?"

"Hmph."

"Aww…don't look like that, Pads. It really is…man, you make me laugh so much…I'm one lucky werewolf…c'mere…wipe that cream off your face first, please…"

"Well…I haven't given you your present yet."

"Wasn't _that _it?"

"_That?_ Oh, no, no my dear Moony. That was merely…a prelude…an _introduction_, if you will…hold the maracas a minute, there's a good chap, let me just find it…"

"Um…Sirius…can you _not _bend over when wearing that…item of clothing?"

"Hehe."

"Can you _stop_ being lecherous for _one _moment of your life? For my birthday?"

"I'm sorry. It's against my principles. Now, where the feck is it?"

"…"

"Ah! Here we go…open _that, _my boy!"

"…man, that's heavy."

"C'mon, c'mon! Quickly, it's just wrapping paper."

"Okay, okay, hold your horses!"

"…"

"…I …oh, my good lord, Sirius."

"Well?"

"…"

"…it's okay, isn't it…I mean, I can take it back if you like, it won't be any bother, I've got the receipt if you want to cha – mphrwglfg…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…gods, Sirius, what have I done to deserve you? I must have been really, _really _good in a past life…"

"…um…you like it, then?"

"Yes. Yes…I do."

"Good. Um…I got something to go with it, you see…here you go…"

"Oh, wow…Pads, I didn't need all this fuss, you know."

"Yes you _did._ Noone else has ever deserved it more. And anyway…it doesn't say half of what I want it to…um…"

"Look at this…wow, it's proper smart…and…oh, Sirius, look, you even had my name put on it. That's so _cool_." (AN: corny, I know, having Sirius buy him the briefcase we first see him with in PoA. But oh well.)

"Glad you like it."

"Man, it makes me want to get a job right now, so I can carry around my official papers in it! Imagine me striding through London carrying this…with a black umbrella and stuff…"

"While I stay at home and cook, wearing a frilly pink apron, and wait for you to get home…"

"It would take a greater man than me to domesticate _you._"

"Hey! You make me sound like some sort of an _animal_."

"Well…oh, man, there's stuff _inside_…"

"Yeah, yeah…you don't think I'd just buy you an empty briefcase, do you?"

"What have we got here? Oh, lord…Beethoven, Elgar…Fauré…Handel…this is just…just…beyond words…"

"Um…"

"I didn't even think you _remembered…_you know…when you forced me to play…_"_

"Not remember? Gods, Remus, how could I forget?"

"But…it was just one piece, just some stupid etude…and you were teasing me, you and James…and you were drunk and stuff…and it was someone else's shitty violin…"

"Remus. Moony…it was the most perfect thing. It was…like…I dunno…you looked like something from another world…"

"An alien? Oh, gee, _thanks_."

"No, no…like…man…an _angel _or something."

"Oh, great, Pads, not at _all _clichéd."

"I mean it. I was…teasing you…so you wouldn't see me crying."

"I'm not _that _good, y'know. I haven't played in ages…I …"

"You're fucking _brilliant_, you prodigy. Any anyway…I thought we could form, like…a band or something. You on the violin…and me on the maracas."

"Um…yeah, sure. You've got some funky Latino rhythms going on there, my son."

"Hehe."

"Um…Padfoot?"

"Uh-huh."

"Listen…you really shouldn't spend so much money on me…I …I'm so grateful…and I…it's just, I can never repay stuff like this…you know I can't match it…and…I really really am not worthy…I don't understand why anyone would buy me…a _recorder_, let alone an antique violin."

"Remus."

"Mm."

"Shut up."

"Um…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I love you. If I want to shower you with gifts, I shall. You've got all the fancy words and poems and stuff to show me what you…um…feel for me…and I've got the cash…so you get a swanky briefcase…and I get to hear you play music that makes my heart ache in return. To be honest, I think _I _get the better deal there…"

"Ah, man…you have to keep reminding me…to make it up to you every day." (AN: argh, I hate myself…wretched fluff…)

"Mm."

"Every day."

"Yes. Now…did you want to go back to the common room?"

"Man…I'd forgotten about the party…it seems like years ago."

"I know. Mind you, I could do with stretching my legs. It's bloody cramped in that there cake, I'll have you know."

"I don't doubt it. Is it edible?"

"Sadly not. You can have some of the cream, if you like."

"Na, you're alright."

"Are we going, then?"

"You know what?"

"What?"

"Fuck them. They only organised that party as a convenient excuse for a booze-up…let's stay here forever instead."

"Actually…they organised the party so you'd be in a suitably inebriated state for me to seduce you."

"Shut up…come and sit by me."

"K."

"…"

"…"

"This is…so great."

"Yeah."

"We should have done this years ago."

"I know."

"…"

"So…er…tell me, is it _comfortable _wearing that thing?"

"Well, I confess it has a tendency to chafe between the thighs…and it _is _a bit cold…but better than the leather trousers I tried on in the shop."

"Um…good."

"It came in pink, too…but I thought after the Slytherin debacle t'other day, I should stick with the turquoise."

"Wise choice. Goes well with your chest hair."

"Are you _mocking _me, Mr Lupin?"

"As if."

"So…you going to play me a choon on that fiddle then?"

"Na…not now…"

"Hmph."

"I would…only my hands have got better things to do, if truth be told."

"Would you care to elaborate?"

"Only too happy to oblige…"

"…mmm…"

"…"

"…Happy Birthday, Moony."

* * *

AN: quite short, this one, I think. Hope it brought a smile to your faces…I confess I have seen someone in a spangly thong (at the opera, no less!) and it wasn't half as pretty as how I imagine Sirius to be…oh dear, bad thoughts. Moving on…do come back soon to join the boys as they wind up in detention. Again. dd xxx PS did anyone see Doctor Who? How GOOD? Man, David Tennant is too fit for his own good… 


	11. That's Beside The Point

AN: how _slow _am I at updating recently? Bad me. I wandered off temporarily into another fandom (Pirates of the Caribbean…blame the wonder that is Jack Davenport) but I have now returned to the fold. Praise be. And here are the boys, serving detention. The things they make them do at Hogwarts…at my school, you just have to write an essay on the necessity for decorum and manners and such like. Anyhoo…enjoy, dd xxx

* * *

"He's _got _to be joking!"

"Well. Did _you _see him laughing, Pads? Stifling a cheeky little grin, perchance? Eh?"

"Well…not as such, no, but…"

"To be honest, much as I'd rather be in Gryffindor Tower roundly kicking Pete's ass at chess and feeding you marshmallows, you have to admit Professor Fry _does _have a point."

"Hmph. Tight-lipped twat."

"Well…it _is _technically against the school rules to – "

"Oh, come _on_, Moony! Where exactly does it say 'Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are expressly forbidden from galloping through the Great Hall dressed as a pantomime horse'? Eh? Answer me _that_!"

"Well…I don't think he objected to the…ahem…humorous costume, as such…rather to the fact that _you_, at least, were blind drunk. At 10 in the morning."

"And _you _weren't, Mr. High and Mighty?"

"I was…pleasantly merry. And anyway, it was more of a hindrance in your case 'cause _you _were steering."

"Yeah, well…doesn't Fry _know _what it's like to be young and carefree?"

"Carefree, speak for yourself…anyway, he was perfectly within his rights to give us both detention. We _did _careen wildly into the poor fellow."

"He bloody well deserved it."

"Not when you were aiming for _Snape_, who was on the opposite side of the hall…next time, pick _James_ for these hare-brained schemes of yours, there's a good chap."

"One: you were well up for it this morning, and two: I'd feel mildly uncomfortable having Prongs staring at my ass. Whereas _you_, my dear Moony…"

"Yeah, well…that's beside the point! You weren't meant to find that Firewhisky…I was saving it for your _birthday_!"

"Ah…why delay the inevitably, Moons? Nothing like a good tot of Ogden's finest to liven up a Thursday morning…"

"I dare say…now, have you got those little brushes? How about you start on this side, and I'll do this one, and we can meet in the middle, okay?"

"He definitely said 'no magic', did he?"

"I regret to say so. But…it's mind over matter, mate. If we just ignore the smell and the…soft bits, we'll be just fine."

"_Ignore the smell_? Are you _kidding _me? Your aftershave is the _only _thing preventing me from puking my guts up."

"I'm touched….and they say romance is dead."

"Shut up, you, or I'll throw owl shit at you."

"Like I haven't got an unlimited supply of ammunition this end…but we digress. I don't think it counts as cheating if we each cast a Bubble-Head Charm to alleviate the odour problem, does it?"

"If you say so."

"Ah, don't look so glum, Sirius, my love. The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can escort me back to the dorm and do unspeakable things to me."

"D'you not think the pervading stench of bird doings under my fingernails might kill the mood just a tad?"

"Ever the optimist, Padfoot. Now, get started. I've already done three nesting boxes while you've been pissing around with that charm."

"Okay, okay…but don't you think this is a somewhat pointless exercise? I mean, it's not like the owls are going to stop crapping just because we've taken the trouble to clean their humble abode, is it?"

"Sirius, Sirius…since when has detention _ever _had a point, other than to make the unfortunate miscreant realise his own stupidity? And anyway, it really needs doing. The Owlery'll be knee deep in faeces by the end of the year if someone doesn't take matters in hand."

"Well, bully for us. Services to the school…"

"Look at it, man. I can actually peel off _inches _of the stuff…it's like an _onion_, all caked on in layers, like…"

"I really wish you _wouldn't _do that…I have to have those fingers in my mouth later…"

"Heh."

"Hey, how come you're already on the next level?"

"Could it be because I'm not farting around with my _hair_ and making sure none of the crumbs of shit get in my ear?"

"Hmph. Well, this is bloody annoying, if you ask me. Brand new, these robes…I'm getting this guano all over me!"

"You should wear third-hand rags like me, then, shouldn't you? Now stop complaining, we can get Lily to Scourgify them when we get back, she's a dab hand with household spells, that one…"

"She'll only be all…supercilious…you know what she's like. Oh, I _bet _she'll raise her wretched eyebrow at me…"

"And that would be bad how?"

"It's like she's just saying 'oh yeah, what did your last slave die of?'"

"Well, in that case, we can ask James…oh, Sirius, _what _are you doing now?"

"I'm not going to be laughed or sneered at by James Potter, and I'm sure as hell not going to beg Lily Evans for help…these robes are going back to the dorm _spotless._ Not a speck of shit on them."

"No, no, no…please, Sirius…not _here_…anyone could walk in…oh, do you _have _to be such an exhibitionist?" (AN: yup, you guessed it. Sirius is nekked. Again. I feel I have a slightly one-track mind.)

"I'm _not _being an _exhibitionist_. I'm just trying to keep my clothes clean…you of all people should understand that…being the clean-freak you are."

"Yes…but…can you at least keep your boxers on?"

"Nope. It's all or nothing."

"Yes. So I'd surmised."

"Well…quit staring and get on with it, Mr. Prefect! We have a shithouse to clean here!"

"Okay…"

"…"

"…"

"Hmm…mmm…mmm…"

"What the…?"

"Da doo doo a doo da…"

"Erm…"

"La la aha…"

"Sirius."

"What? Am I not allowed to sing?"

"I'll tell you something, Mr. Black…you're sure as hell not allowed to sing fucking _Abba_ within earshot of me!"

"Ah, c'mon Remus, it's a class song…so when you're near me, darlin' can't you hear me SOS…gotta get down with your bad self every now and then."

"Gods. My life is a joke."

"Your life, Mr. Moony, _rocks_. You're currently stuck in a confined space, impervious to the unsavoury smell, while your stark naked boyfriend serenades you. What's not to love?"

"You have such a way with words, Sirius."

"Indeed I do. Now, if you're going to be so fucking _picky_, you can choose the in-flight entertainment."

"Erm…I-Spy?"

"What…I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'S'? _Nice._ I can see _that's _going to last a long time. I meant a _song _for us to sing, you twat."

"Um…the Agadoo?"

"And you have the nerve to criticise _me _for singing Abba? You sneaky little hypocrite…"

"What the hell? It's _you _who wants to sing…I mean, what sort of a freak _sings _when they're doing detention? Weirdo."

"That's rich coming from _you_. At least I don't alphabetise my textbooks!"

"Yeah…well, who's the one who…who drinks his cereal milk out of the bowl?"

"That's _nothing_! …_you _always do your shirt up to the top button…"

"Weak, Sirius…weak. I'm not the one who leaves the toilet seat up."

"Ah, you _girl._ You wear your scarf wrong."

"I do _not_."

"You so _do_. You look like a right ponce with it all thrown over your shoulder like that."

"It's none of your business how I wear my scarf, you wanker."

"Oh, _wanker_, am I? And, pray, who is it who gets up _extra-early _every morning to have an _extra-long _shower?"

"Shut up."

"Fucking _make _me."

"I bloody will if you don't just get on with the fucking cleaning."

"Fine! I _will_."

"Good."

"Hmph."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…this is the most _stupid _argument we've ever had."

"You could be right there."

"No…wait a sec…I gave you a black eye in the second year 'cause you said I pronounced 'scone' wrong." (AN: this is a classic British argument, for non-Brits. I personally have no opinion on the matter, but I've seen friendships fall apart over this controversial issue…)

"Yeah…that was pretty stupid."

"And the time you bitch-slapped me in fourth year…"

"No, I was _completely _within my rights then…you _wrote _on my copy of 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'…" (AN: dude, anyone who tried that with my copy would be dead and buried in five seconds flat)

"In _pencil_."

"But still…anyway, what about the time you pushed me in the lake?"

"Ah, yes…hehe, I'd forgotten about that…I can't even remember what the hell that was about…"

"I refused to do your Herbology homework for you."

"Oh, yeah…I knew there was a good reason."

"Heh."

"But this argument's still stupid."

"Wow…you know what, Remus?"

"What?"

"We just had…a _lovers' spat._"

"Um…yeah. How…er…_excellent._"

"It _is!"_

"Yep. Sure."

"No, really…it's like that old dude says about true love never running smooth…"

"That old dude?"

"Uh-huh."

"I think you'll find he's called Shakespeare."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Stop being pedantic…we have to make up now."

"What, there are _rules _for…lovers' spats?"

"Oh, yes, didn't you know that? Step four point one: Once you have run out of insults to trade, partner A steps up to partner B and divests him of his clothing."

"Indeed?"

"Damn right."

"And what about the…Owlery cleaning?"

"Well…if you feel like that…I'll just have to put my clothes on again…oh, what a great _shame…_"

"Okay, okay…"

"Knew you'd come around eventually…"

"You're such a manipulative little shit."

"I know…that's why you love me…"

"That…and other reasons, I guess."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"…"

* * *

AN: thank you muchly for reading, come back soon! Feel free to drop me a line – I like to feel loved :D now…I think I shall go and write a few thousand words on German nuclear policy. In German. The joy that is my life. dd xxx 


	12. I'll Have You Know

AN: how bad am I? my life has been slowly spiralling out of control…but now the production of 'My Fair Lady', for which I was playing the piano, is finally _over_, I can return to important things…Remus, Sirius, existentialism and the return of 'Lost' to British TV. Life is good… dd xxx

* * *

"Come on, now, Pads…I know you're faking…"

"G'way…"

"You're such a lazy arse. I've been sitting here for _three hours_ poking you…it's not exactly _fun_…I've missed Arithmancy and half of Muggle Studies for you. You might at least wake up, you know."

"Fk'off, Moony."

"Well, _that's _nice."

"Mph."

"Don't make me throw cold water on you…"

"You wouldn't…"

"Oh, _wouldn't _I?"

"Remus!"

"Ah. The Sleeping Beauty awakes! Welcome back to the world."

"Yeah, absolutely wonderful. I could have done with another four hours' sleep."

"Like hell you could. There's such a thing as _too _much sleep, y'know. And besides, you _always_ need another four hours. If it wasn't for me, you'd always be asleep. No wonder you're so pale."

"This from _you_, who looks like a member of the undead community."

"Shut up and drink this."

"Why would I want to do a thing like that? It's a suspect shade of green, smells like cat vomit, and is _smoking._ I still have a _shred _of common sense left, I'll have you know."

"Actually, Sirius, Madame Pomfrey says you're severely concussed. Be a good boy and swallow it. It won't kill you."

"And what in the name of all things Satanical would make me believe you? I haven't forgotten that time you made me sit through 'Eugene Onegin' because you told me there was a _naked orgy _at the end."

"Well…that was…a means to an end, let's say. You wouldn't have come otherwise, would you?"

"Damn right I would not! Do I _look _like the sort of twat who enjoys the opera?"

"I thought it would be a nice education for you…and anyway, it's a great story…it's so moving…you enjoyed it, didn't you?" (AN: twas rather good. And it's a really good bit in 'The Talented Mr Ripley.)

"Did I hell. That was the sliest trick in the book, Remus Lupin."

"Ah well, I promise to go to one of those…gigs with you one day. Okay? Anyway…this isn't about your inexplicable aversion to Tchaikovsky, my dear lad. It's about this medicine finding its way into your stomach, where it will do you untold amounts of good. Savvy?"

"Okay, okay, keep your wig on." (AN: hehehehe wig. Sorry…random POTC comment that makes little sense to anyone but me. Apologies.)

"Don't be so ungrateful. If it weren't for me, you'd probably be in tiny little pieces buried in a chest somewhere, and Dumbledore would hunt you down and put your sorry, blown-up ass into detention until the end of time. _And _your headache would be a lot worse. I do so much for you, I'll have you know."

"Oh, gee, remind me to worship at your altar every morning…I'm surprised you haven't smited me with a lightning-bolt, O Supreme Ruler of the Universe."

"Smited isn't grammatically correct, Sirius. Smitten. I believe. Or even _smote._"

"Yeah, well, same difference. It's unnatural, how you talk, anyway. And besides, I do _loads _for you, don't I?"

"Right. You land me in detention every other week. You spread vicious rumours about my sexual appetite so that I can't look decent people in the face for days. You pull my body into shapes it was _never _intended to be pulled into. And then _smirk _like the little twat you are. Yes, Sirius…a mutually beneficial relationship, indeed."

"Hmph. I so _do _help you. All the time. I…"

"Well, I suppose you give me extra practice and revision for my NEWTs…I suppose it _must _help to do two sets of homework, rather than just the conventional one."

"Sarcastic little shit."

"And…yeah…it's good for the soul to have to cope with homosexual taunts at every turn. Character-building, wouldn't you say?"

"Hey, it's not _my _fault the Slytherins are bigoted wankers."

"True. But…I do think it might help if you didn't stalk into the Great Hall and ask people 'have you seen bum-boy Lupin?' all the time. Just a tentative suggestion, mind you."

"Right. Time to get out the big guns."

"Yeah, yeah…I know, I know…you studied for three long years to become an Animagus. And even _that _was motivated by self-interest, wasn't it now? Now you have an excuse to cavort naked in the moonlight, like the unfettered youth you are. You don't fool _me, _Mr. B."

"Heh. I'm _wounded_. It was _all _for you."

"Like hell."

"Okay, so it was _partially _for me."

"Yes."

"But…I've made you into a _new man_, Moony. You were such a dowdy little minger before…all those boring, baggy old jumpers and stupid jeans and such like. And you _always _use to wear robes, hah! I've made a _swan _out of the ugly duckling."

"Erm…thanks a bunch, lover."

"Yeah…well, you _were _fit, before. Not with that crap hair you used to have, I mean, what was _that _all about? But…yeah, you weren't bad…not the sex god you are today, _obviously_, but quite a pleasure to look at. It just needed someone like _me, _a guru of all things aesthetic, to realise the potential within."

"Erm…"

"And _now _look at you! All brooding and luscious in those jeans. Man, who'd have thought Remus Lupin had thighs like that…you're almost good-looking."

"Great. I suppose I should be thankful you're not just after my body."

"Your _body_? Moons, you're, like, skin and bones. Hardly the stuff of feverish fantasies, are you now?"

"Well…no, I suppose not."

"…"

"…"

"…man, this stuff tastes like shit."

"It's medicine. Just drink it."

"What's gotten into _you, _then?"

"Nothing. I have to get back to lessons. Hope you're feeling better soon."

"Moons? You wake me up just to bugger off again?"

"Why should I stay?"

"To…to talk to me? To share the various edible offerings from desperate girls who somehow think _they're _the one to…drag me back to the light side."

"I don't think I will, thank you."

"Man…you've got that stiff little pompous voice going, again. How did I put my foot in it _this _time?"

"I don't know why I should tell you. You'll only accuse me of being over-sensitive, or something."

"Fuck, mate. I was _kidding _about the whole you-used-to-be-ugly thing, y'know?"

"No, you weren't."

"I _was._ And even…if I didn't always find you attractive…ah, c'mon, Remus."

"If you were joking, why did you say it?"

"Because, you and me…we have little jokes…little…little things to share."

"What? You insult me like that, and think it's a _joke_?"

"Man. Listen to yourself! Does it matter what you look like? It's not like any of us care. I didn't think you were so bloody _vain_."

"Vain? This is _vanity_, is it? Working late into the night to get good grades, so I always have black circles under my eyes? Working during lunch and break so I rarely have more than a slice of toast to eat all day…so my ribs stick out? Turning into a fucking _monster _once a month and ripping myself to shreds? I haven't _changed_, Sirius. Just because you've bought me some swanky new clothes with your pureblood money, like I'm some sort of _charity case_, doesn't mean I look or feel any different. I still have feelings to hurt. I still worry every night when you're snoring with your head on my chest that someone will _find out_. Is it so wrong to cover myself up…when my body is so…ravaged? It's not _vanity_, Sirius Black. It's _necessity_. Shame. Whatever you want to call it."

"…"

"…"

"…don't glare at me like that."

"Why _shouldn't _I?"

"Because…you're really hot when you get all angry like that."

"It won't work. I'm going, I'm not listening to this any more. I thought we'd agreed I'm _not _hot. Never have been, never will be. Just geeky, shabby little Remus all dolled up like a whore in clothes that don't belong to him."

"I've never heard you talk so much in my _life_."

"Nice, isn't it? The shitty, selfish, fuck in you brings out any emotion within me."

"Remus!"

"I'm just pleased I found out _now_, rather than…you know, in the future…man, to think I might have committed myself in some way to…someone like you…gods…"

"Someone like _me?"_

"Yes."

"…"

"…"

"…Moony!"

"I don't have to listen to your stupid whining a minute longer. I'd _prefer _to be discussing the structure of the Muggle Parliament than wasting hours of my life with a little bastard who can't accept me for who I am."

"You…what, Remus? I can't _accept _you? Have I _ever _shown…any sort of opposition to…your condition? Have I _ever_?"

"You've tried to change me. And I was fool enough not to realise until you actually _told _me."

"I…"

"I don't want to hear it. I guess I _have _changed. 'Cause now I'm no longer dependent on the likes of _you, _who strut through life as though they're some sort of _blessing _on the earth."

"Gods, how can you be so hurtful?"

"I'm only giving as good as I get. You hurt me every day, with your stupid jibes about my weight, and your expectation that I'm just going to roll over and take it. Man, I half expect you to say 'good dog' to me. Well, I don't need to take it any more. I should have known…I've been stupid…"

"Stupid?"

"Yeah. It's always been at the back of my mind. Even…even when you…even when you _moan my fucking name_, Sirius…I've always been thinking…what are you doing with someone like me? You're worth better…everyone would say so, yourself most of all. And I'm obviously not what you want me to be, with all your little changes and manipulations."

"…I really don't know what to say…"

"Just…just _don't. _For once in your wretched life, think about what you're going to say…and just _shut up_, because noone one wants to hear your egoistic preenings and songs of praise to yourself any more. Me least of all."

"But…"

"Don't talk to me, Sirius."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Oh, _shit. _Shit shit shit. Not good."

"…"

* * *

AN: ooh. It could even be seen as a cliffhanger…man, I'm reverting to angst again. Must stop. Anyway, hope you liked, apologies again for the loooooooong wait and see you again soon. Yay! dd xx 


	13. Have It Your Own Way

AN: oh deary, deary me…it's actually been over a _month _since I updated. How _bad_ am I? after all those nice reviews, too…and this instalment hardly makes up for it, due to its high shit content. I mean it, I am severely displeased with this. However, the next bit is in the works and _far _more satisfactory. Well, well, I won't be surprised if you all _shun _me forever, Lord knows I deserve it for being such a lazy, unappreciative sod. With much love and very little expectation, dd xx

* * *

'Hey…Remus!'

'…'

'Remus…'

'…'

'Moony?'

'Piss off.'

'You don't even know what I'm going to say!'

'I can probably guess…'

'Hmph. Fine then, Mister, if you're so bloody clever, what _am _I going to say?'

'Knowing _you_, either something about how wonderful you are…or some melodramatic, empty proclamation of love and repentance. Now leave me alone.'

'_Actually_, I wasn't going to say anything like that.'

'Well, _obviously _you're going to change it now I've guessed right. Can't bear to be caught out, can you, Sirius? Always gotta be the one in control, no?'

'Gods. I was only going to ask you which chapter we were meant to be reading…'

'Weren't you listening to McGonagall?'

'Evidently not.'

'Then that's your problem. Ask James.'

'He's snoring.'

'Well…I don't see why I should tell you.'

'Because you'll have it on _your _conscience when I fail Transfiguration.'

'And remind me why I should give a shit about that? Do I _look_ like I'd experience anything as inconvenient as _guilt _on the part of some wanker who treats me like his own little lap-dog?'

'Remus, you can be so cruel, do you know that?'

'Don't lecture me, you fuck. You're no saint yourself.'

'I _know_, Remus, I know. I need to make amends to you…'

'Well done, Sirius Black! Only took you four weeks to work _that _one out!'

'I mean it, Moony. I've done a lot of thinking…'

'Careful you don't hurt yourself.'

'That joke isn't funny anymore…' (AN: so shoot me, I've been listening to the Smiths…)

'I don't joke with you, Sirius. I only joke with my friends…those I allow to call me 'Moony'.'

'You're so…gods, you make me angry!'

'Well…don't talk to me, then…it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier, I know that much.'

'I…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…are you going to tell me what chapter we're reading?'

'No.'

'Fine, then.'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

'…finally! Remus, wait up, I need to talk to you!'

'Frankly, Sirius, I've better things to do than listen to you insult me, use me and make me feel like dirt. Like reading. Or…or flying or something.'

'But you hate broomsticks.'

'Damn right. And I hate _you._'

'You…I…Moony, you don't mean that!'

'And who are _you, _you…you _fool_, to tell me about myself? You've already tried to mould me into something I'm not…can't you just leave me alone?'

'No.'

'You realise I could hex you all the way back to the Potions dungeon?'

'No, you couldn't.'

'I fucking _could_. Keep yakking on at me and I swear I will.'

'You won't.'

'Shut up! Just go aw_ay_.'

'You won't, because you love me.'

'Like hell I do. You make me miserable, you make me…feel like nothing and nobody, and you expect me to _love _you? After all you put me through, every damn day…'

'Moony, will you just shut _up _and let me talk to you…just as a friend…I dunno…imagine we're both waiting for the same train or something and we're just making conversation…'

'I see our estrangement has not improved your mental state.'

'And what's _that _supposed to mean?'

'That you're a fucking lunatic still.'

'Oh, _nice_.'

'Well, you _are! _Role-play, in the middle of the Entrance Hall…'

'You _like _role-play, Remus! Remember when Prongs got hold of those Muggle fire fighter outfits and we…'

'Oh, yes! And then the _next day _in Muggle Studies, when Snape asked about fire precautions…I thought I'd die laughing…hey, that's not fair, Sirius! You can't just make me talk to you like that…stop manipulating me!'

'Me? I didn't do a thing.'

'That's what you said to McGonagall when those three Ravenclaws ended up strapped to the Quidditch posts slathered in mayonnaise.'

'Well…more fool her if she believed me.'

'From what _I _can recall, she didn't. A full term's detention, was it? Or just the half?'

'Hmph. It was Prongs as _well_. How the hell would _I _know what that Hellmann's shit is? He's the resident Muggle Studies whiz.'

'Yeah. Um…'

'So…'

'I wasn't going to talk to you.'

'To be fair, it's not backing down if you talk to me. I started the conversation, after all.'

'It's not about winning and losing, Sirius.'

'Don't lie. Of _course _it is. It's about as simple as those thumb wars we used to have.'

'Ha! I'd _totally _forgotten about those! You know, I was thinking about that time you dislocated your thumb just the other day…but I couldn't remember how it happened…'

'You were thinking…about _me_?'

'…yeah. I suppose I was.'

'I…I think about you, too, you know, Moons.'

'_Stop it, Sirius._'

'Bet you my top five Chocolate Frog cards you can't even remember why you're pissed off at me.'

'Well, Mister, you owe me Dumbledore, Merlin, Gandalf, Rincewind and Circe. _And_ I want the presentation folder, too.' (AN: um. I think I may be getting my fandoms in a twist. I will disentangle them at a more convenient time)

'That's more like my Remus.'

'I'm not yours. Don't you remember…I am my own man, my own destiny.' (AN: um…so I've been reading Sartre. Good stuff, eh?)

'Will you stop quoting whatever the hell you're quoting at me?'

'How d'you know it's not how I normally speak?'

'Because I've known you for years, and I know you like to quote all sorts of shit at me to wind me up, make me feel inferior and ignorant.'

'I…I make you feel _inferior?_'

'Remus…how stupid can you _be_? …how am I meant to even _begin _to compare to you…all those books, those…you taught yourself _Latin, _for fuck's sake! And what am I? Some young pretender with a smile too broad vying for your attention…why the hell else would I do some of the crap I do?'

'Search me…you're an attention-seeking drama queen, maybe?'

'Yeah…that's about the size of it…but you know…it's only _your _attention I want…you know that, right?'

'Really? Even all those times…with all those girls? And guys, no doubt…getting off with them…just another cunning technique to get my attention, eh? Hey, what the _hell _are you doing?'

'What does it _look _like? I'm dragging you away into a dark corner so I can explain some things to you, okay?'

'This does constitute harassment, you know…'

'Well, you've got your blessed wand…remember, you can always hex me back to the Potions dungeons if you so wish.'

'Okay, okay…now, tell me what in heaven's name you're going on about, and then let me go…'

'Going to see Julia, are you?'

'What?'

'I saw you, you know…like, two weeks ago…talking to her and stuff…you were doing that stupid thing with your hair.'

'_What _stupid thing with my hair?'

'Like tucking it behind your ear…over and over again…you only usually do that if you're talking to _me…'_

'Piss off, Pads…I was only _talking _to her…'

'_Right._'

'No, really…she was…asking me some stuff…about us…about why we broke up…'

'Who? You and her? Or me and you?'

'The latter.'

'Oh, yeah? And who died and made it _her _wretched business?'

'Sirius, she was just being nice…'

'My ass she was. Like a vulture, that bitch. She'll move in for the kill in the next few days, let me warn you.'

'Oh? Even…even if I'm already going out with someone?'

'_What?_ You're going out with someone? Who?'

'Well…I told Julia…she was all like "so, I heard you and Black are over…", you know that little implicit _look _she gets? …well…'

'Yeah, but are you going out with someone?'

'Well…I was…rather under the impression that I was going out with _you_, actually, Pads…I mean…I dunno about you…but I thought our relationship was pretty strong and all that…what about all that "lover's spat" shit? Just a test, like…'

'Are you having a fucking _laugh? _You were just _testing _me? Is _that _what you mean? Jeez, Remus, you _seriously _need to get some morals, man…'

'Sirius. You're turning red. Please, please just _breathe, _okay?'

'When my supposedly sensitive, emotional, morally superior ex-boyfriend decides to tell me he's just been _teasing _me for the past four weeks of…mental torment?'

'Mental torment, eh?'

'Well…yes.'

'Oh really?' (AN: I am _so _tempted to type 'ya rly' as the next line. But we'll save that for another day…)

'Okay…maybe a _tiny _bit of physical torment, too…'

'Ha! Thought so…'

'Either way, that's really mean, Moony.'

'Worked wonders, though. Provided you _do _still want me back, naturally.'

'Well…goes without saying, really…but…ye gods, man, you have _way _too much time on your hands. That's a really mean trick.'

'I _was _pissed off at you, you know. It wasn't just an idle thought… "let's see what ingenious method of depriving Sirius of sexual satisfaction I can think of today"…nothing like that…just…well, I was only pissed off at you for about two days. And then…well, it _was _quite fun to see you beating yourself up. I think you might even have something resembling a conscience, sometimes. Occasionally. There's potential, at least…'

'Ah, shaddup.'

'Make me.'

'I really don't see why I should. I mean…I've been very ill-treated here. I'm sure Lily wouldn't approve.'

'One: since _when _did you give a flying fuck what Lily thinks? And Two: you _should _make me shut up, because I'm a Prefect, and I'm _ordering _you to. And…and I'm your boyfriend, and despite my ethical deficiencies, I _have _missed you a lot. Not to mention your…well, your lips aren't half bad, I guess.'

'Gawd…don't sound so reluctant.'

'I _have _beena bad boy, haven't I?'

'Remus, you are _not _getting around me _that _easily…'

'Have it your own way…'

'…'

'…'

'…bloody hell, why is it _always _me who has to give in?'

'…'

'Remus! Wait a sec!'

'Ah, changed your mind, I see?'

'Shut up and kiss me, you bastard.'

'You're just so _weak_, my love.'

'I thought I told you to _shut up_?'

'Okay, ok_ay_, sir.'

'That's more like it…'

'…'

'…'

'…'

* * *

AN: ta-daa! And there you have it…1740 words of rubbish. However, the next bit involves Pot Noodle, Sirius plaiting his fringe and Remus' rather liberal mum. If that whets your appetite…hope to see you then, dd xx 


	14. If You Must Know

AN: hello? Still there after the last mediocre offering? If you withstood that, you can surely spare a few minutes to glance through this random post-coital chat between our favourite puppies. Thank you for your patience with me, goodness knows I don't deserve it…dd xx

* * *

'So…we're still good, right, Moons?'

'Mphgrful…'

'Hey, dude, wake _up._ I'm trying to ask you something important.'

'Yeah, yeah…I _did _hear you, y'know…'

'And the answer _is_?'

'Sirius. Based on the evidence…the absence of any clothing in or around this bed, the bone-cracking grip of your arms around my long suffering chest, the fact I'm going to have to do some _very good _explaining to the laundry elves about the state of these sheets…I'd say we're still good, okay? Now can I go back to sleep?'

'Hmph. It was only an innocent question?'

'Sirius…the word "innocent" is not, to my knowledge, one that is in your vocabulary. It joins the legions of expressions such as "mature", "sensitive" and "frigid" which should never, ever be used in reference to your fair self.'

'…is that a compliment or an insult?'

'Well…seeing as your wand is on the other side of the room, in the pocket of the trousers you so _wantonly _cast aside, I'm willing to take a chance and insult you.'

'Man, I'd forgotten quite how grumpy you are in the mornings.'

'_This_, my dear Padfoot, is not _grumpy_. This is _post-coital bliss_.'

'My ass.'

'That's right, kill the mood. Some things never change…'

'It's Saturday, right?'

'I believe so, seeing as it's nearly midday and nobody's been up to drag us from our cozy love-nest.'

'I really wish you wouldn't say things like that so cynically.'

'I'll say them any damn way I want to. Now, I have a question for you, my lord.'

'Fire away. I'm all ears.'

'You are _not_. You are currently engaged in plaiting your fringe, and thus cannot be listening to my important proposition.'

'Ha! I'm…nicely in touch with my feminine side and _thus_, Mr Lupin, can _multi-task_, much like my female counterparts. Nevertheless, I will cease my narcissistic preening seeing as you asked so nicely.'

'Yeah, yeah…anyway…so…I know it's not, like, that much of an offer and all that…but I thought you might want to…I mean, you don't have to or anything…'

'Remus. Breathe, mate.'

'Um…do you want to come round mine for the summer?'

'…'

'…what? Listen, I'm sorry…we can forget I asked…I know, I know I shouldn't be all…sappy and stuff, and I should have realised you wouldn't want to…I'm sorry, Pads, let's just forget about it…'

'You really _are _the daftest fool I ever met. Or shagged.'

'Um…'

'You really do get your proverbial knickers in a twist, don't you? The way you were spluttering and stuttering you'd have thought you were _proposing _to me…or offering me the position of Minister for Magic or something…jeez.'

'So…you wouldn't mind coming, then?'

'_Wouldn't mind? _Remus, it would be the _coolest _thing ever!'

'Well…it really wouldn't be all that…you know, we're all…Muggly and stuff, we haven't got elves and so on…and our house is the _definition_ of cramped…I just thought…seeing as Prongs and Wormtail are going to be away and stuff…I mean, if your family has a better holiday planned…'

'Well, last _I _heard, they were planning a trip to Iceland to visit some sordid old relation who likes to torture unsuspecting tourists into insanity using old opera records, cheese graters and the good old-fashioned _Cruciatus _curse. Tough decision, I have to say…'

'Well…it would…be so fantastic if you could come…my mum would really like to meet you.'

'Oh, dear fucking hell.'

'What? And stop elbowing me in the sides, please.'

'Remus…what the _hell _did you tell your mother about me?'

'I told her…that you're about six foot, you have black hair and a penchant for leather clothing…that you deflowered, corrupted and otherwise were responsible for her only son's descent into shameless sodomy, and…that you're a bit of a screamer in the heat of the moment, so it would be advisory to invest in some ear-muffs.'

'No, _really_. What did you tell her?'

'So _she _wrote back and said, "that's lovely, dearie, why don't you invite your nice friend to stay this summer?"'

'Remus. I am _warning _you. I will tickle you so hard you will urinate. And that would be _doubly _difficult to explain to the house-elves.'

'It's _your _bed.'

'So? Anyway, tell me…what does your dear mama know about…us?'

'…'

'…'

'…Pads, it's really bad…I've never lied to them before…I just feel so…like _torn up _inside…every single time I write to them, I feel like the _entire _letter is a lie, because I'm missing out my biggest piece of news…'

'Why don't you just tell them?'

'Wow! And there goes the annual display of gratuitous naivety from Sirius Black…can you _imagine _it? My dad still drinks himself unconscious every few weeks because his son's a freak…how do you think he'd cope with him being…a raging bender?'

'And you criticise _my _turn of phrase?'

'Well…that's what _he'd_ say, anyway.'

'Aww, Moons, don't look so glum. We don't have to do anything at the moment. I'm not going to tell them if you don't want to.'

'Thanks, Pads. You won't…do anything too obvious in front of them, will you?'

'Perish the thought. Like what?'

'Ooh, let me think…maybe caressing my thigh while we're watching television…'

'While we're _what_?'

'Ah. Well…I'll explain that one later. Or how about feeding me Pot Noodle lovingly…that's a definite no-no…'

'_What _Noodle?'

'Um. Another tricky one. This is going to be…interesting at best…'

'And at worst?'

'The mind boggles, Sirius. It really does.'

'Well, I'm a-getting up. I need to write to your mum and say thanks for having me stay…'

'You _never _write letters. Last summer we didn't see you for two months and all I got was a scrap of paper with "have a good summer? When does term start?" scrawled on it…'

'Well, I'm willing to make an exception for you, my love.'

'Hm. Well…I'll have to proofread it, I'm not having you dropping hints or anything because your warped brain somehow thinks it's amusing.'

'Hints? Comme quoi?'

'Well…any mention of guacamole is out. Likewise broomstick references, pink Superman boxers and…sparkly turquoise thongs.'

'Dude, you're such a _spoilsport_. But it's nice to know you catalogue our relationship like that.'

'Sirius, those are the moments that have left me _scarred for life_. They greatly outnumber the moments that make me realise what a wonderful, caring lover you are.'

'Really?'

'No. Well…they _do, _but the really good, tear-jerking moments are far superior.'

'You're such a girl.'

'I think you'll find I'm _not, _actually. But I'm just a pedant.'

'Yeah, whatever. So, these tear-jerking moments…'

'Like that time you stopped hexing Snape for a whole day because I asked you to.'

'Only because you promised to let me comb your hair into your eyes.' (AN: no, not in an emo!Remus sort of way…because that would be a bit odd.)

'Oh, yeah…well…um…what about the time you read _A Tale of Two Cities _instead of those stupid comics when you were ill, just because I recommended it?'

'In my defence, I _did _say it was shite. Which it was. There was, like, _no _sex in it. I thought Muggle novels were supposed to have guns and stuff in them.' (AN: once again, Sirius displays absolutely _no _literary taste.)

'It _does _have guns in it. I thought it would appeal to you…anyway, it's better than the "Fantastic Adventures of William the Wonderful Warlock"…'

'I haven't read that since I was _eleven._'

'Better than "Hot n Steamy Witches Monthly", then…'

'Hey! That's _James' _porn! I wouldn't be caught _dead _reading that rubbish!'

'Reading, my ass. Well…better than "Gay Magic!" at any rate…'

'Um, ex_cuse _me, _you _got me the annual, you little hypocrite!'

'Oh…did I?'

'Yes, you even wrote a little message in the front cover. Where did you think I got that idea about the handcuffs and the carrots where you bend over…'

'I get the idea, _thank you_. Nearly killed me, that one. You read about that in that…that annual?'

'Position of the Month for…May, I do believe.'

'Good Lord. Go and write that letter to my mum, now, there's a good boy. I need to have a quiet little read to clear my head after _this _conversation.'

'What, Hot Dragon Tamers Weekly?'

'Don't sneer, it doesn't become you. No, _Rebecca, _if you must know. Good, wholesome fun.'

'I told you you're such a girl.'

'Piss off.'

'Whatever you say, my _dear_.'

* * *

AN: I personally am more pleased with this effort. It also opens the way for several instalments taking place during Sirius' visit to the Lupins'. And no doubt I'll be updating in a flash, seeing as I have exams next week. And the next. So, obviously I want to distract myself as much as possible. Lots of love, dd xx 


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